13 years

I think a lot about Lex.  My life is good and I’m blessed with friends, family, my daughter, my son in law and my  beautiful grandchildren.  But Lex, Lex exists between the layers of my life, peeking around corners hovering overhead always just out of reach. There but not there, intangible and important, brushing past my face like whispers.  You’d think after 13 years I’d be used to this but I know I will never get used to it. My life has grown around this loss, her death is carved into my soul, sometimes I feel like Lex and I are one and she lives on through me.  My darling Lex, beautiful, vibrant, gifted and so much more, saying I miss you seems insufficient the words too simple to convey the emotions I feel but they are all I have so, 

Lex I miss you  we all do.

If I Could Have 1 Hour With Lex

If I could have one hour to chat on a bench with Alexis, after 12 years what would we talk about?  What would that 1 hour conversation consist of?  That I would tell her how much I love her, how much she is missed and how much she has missed is obvious but, what else?  My feelings, her feelings my worries her worries, my hopes her hopes, my dreams her dreams.  Nothing concrete only wisps of smoke, mercury that I can’t grasp, vague foggy images without substance but with the illusion of substance. Something is ‘there ’, whether it is underneath or beside or above, it is ‘there’  That constant tantalizing and yet comforting feeling that she is near but not near.  So, maybe I will sit on a park bench and conjure Lex up for the conversation that I am yearning to have with her.

Because I endlessly miss her in my life.

Just Not Here

•  We finally managed a family get together,  Covid has kept us apart for far too long.  On this sunny warm Sunday we gathered under my big red umbrella on my deck for supper.  I realized Lex, that you were with us.  You were everywhere, you were in both our grandchildren’s names, you were in the name that as a 2 year old you created for your grandmother,  Bobby Rose.  You were in all the Turtle figurines placed around my garden, you were in my dog Turtle’s name,  you were in our hearts, you were everywhere…you just weren’t here.

Gone 10 Years

It’s hard to believe that we lost Lex 10 years ago December 29, 2010.  It still startles me when I think about her, that she’s really gone.  They say loss gets easier with time but, it doesn’t, the memories are still strong and I have moments when thoughts of her death hit me so hard I can’t breathe and I am pulled back to the day she died like it was yesterday.  I no longer try to imagine who she would have been or how she would be living her life, it’s pointless to do so and it hurts too much.  Now I just think about her essence, her presence and her absence.  

This year because of Covid we are unable to hold our annual dinner honouring Alexis where we are surrounded by family and friends and I will miss everyone.  This year will be simple and quiet, a day spent, reflecting on, remembering and missing my beautiful daughter.  

What the Covid Virus is Stealing from us

Here we are in mid July 2020 and Covid 19 is still the top story on the news. For over 4 months we have been doing all we can to avoid catching this virus.   Does anyone else feel sad these days?  When I see most of us donning masks that hide half our faces when I nervously side step people on the sidewalk, when I cautiously socialize with friends and family I feel a great sadness for the lifestyle we seem to be losing.   This virus has the potential to steal what we hold most dear,   acts that help define our humanity, a handshake, a hug, a kiss seemingly simple gestures but they are so important because we use these gestures to convey, trustworthiness and warmth, it’s often how we show we care.  The longer this virus goes on, a side effect of the fear of contracting  it will be the loss of the emotional connection we gain from social contact.  I must tell you this both saddens and worries  me, how will our children manage in such a cold world?  Always being apart, never touching, being fearful of physical contact.  I hope I’m wrong and a vaccine brings us back to who we are supposed to be, but I’m worried and Lex would have hated this.

Learning to Dance in the Rain

I find myself wondering what would Alexis think about what’s happening in the world right now.  Would she be scared? worried? Or would she tough it out and be strong.  One of her favourite quotes was “life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain!”   Knowing who Alexis was I am confident that she would have been brave and patiently waited for this storm to pass!
Covid 19 or the Coronavirus is bigger than all of us, what is happening on our planet is unprecedented and difficult to believe and yet here we are, fighting for humanity, fighting for our health, fighting to keep our way of life.  All other problems have faded away, the news is only reporting about this pandemic  out of 195 countries in the world 149 so far are battling it.    We are united in a common cause, to defeat this virus, ironically this is the first time in history that the entire world has ever been united in anything.  This transcends politics, religions, race, economics and anything else that divides us.  We are all at war with the same enemy an enemy that does not discriminate.   We are all praying for the same outcome, that a cure will be found and we can go back to living our lives.  But no one knows how long this will last, who will get ill, who will succumb and who will survive, when we wake up from this nightmare the world may look very different.  Alexis was a very wise girl, during her battle with Cancer she learned that “you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have”. We have no choice we must be strong, we must protect ourselves, our families, our friends, our colleagues, our neighbours.  We must protect our senior citizens, the immune suppressed, the vulnerable the weak and above all else we must keep our humanity no matter how bad this outbreak gets.