Monday, May 30, 2011

A Love Letter to my Daughter/as read at the cemetary for her unveiling

Darling Alexis,

The 3 months that we lived in Israel was a wonderful gift. A honeymoon. I know you loved being there, loved our apartment, loved the food and loved everyone you met, you said 'you felt at home and safe there', we both did. We marvelled that the best possible treatment available to you in the entire world was in Israel. Your friends and family members visited you and you never ever felt alone or isolated, in fact the only thing you really missed was Dodger, your dog.

You were so hopeful that the doctors in Tel Aviv would heal you and, I believe the one person that would be most surprised that you did not survive, would be YOU. I get great comfort from this and I am also grateful that instead of watching you die -for 3 months I watched you live.

Lately I've been feeling your presence. I miss you, we all do. I wonder all the time if you are happy??? I wonder what you think of us. Are we doing alright? I hope you're not upset that we got a puppy, I know you wanted one and I always said no, but, Turtle has become a very important member of our family, she's helping us and I know you would understand.

Dani has finished school now and is beginning her job search, she is incredible, a rock and wise beyond her years. I know she misses you very much, we could have really used your input when we were shopping for interview clothes!
Dad and I are so proud of her!

Alexis, there are so many things I want to say to you. I realize now, how much you pushed us to try new things, to experiment! I admired you for your energy, your efforts to squeeze as much as you could out of every experience. You had an uncanny ability to always know what movies to see, what restaurants to go to, what outfits looked best, and so much more... and you were always right! I called you 'my go to girl'!

You had an insatiable appetite for life, went everywhere and knew everyone. You were very special, so special that you inspired an entire community to fight for you, how often does that happen? Yet, you were also just a girl, and trust me when I say there were many times when I was annoyed with you. But, all that was part of your lore, your charm and when you smiled you glowed and we said you were lit from within.

Your friends miss you, you were their anchor, you understood how important it was that their friendships stay strong, especially now, they need each other more than ever. They love you. You taught them how to be a true friend and they have learned well. You would be so proud, they are wonderful!

You were known for your warmth, positive attitude and of course your beautiful smile! I choose to believe that you are ok, that you are in a place where you are healthy and strong, where there is no more pain and you are not afraid and I know you have made many new friends.

Lex, you loved your family, you loved your friends and you loved Mo... you loved large. You worried about us, in fact the only worry you ever expressed was 'how we would all be, without you'.... Well, you can stop worrying, we're going to be fine. I promised you 'we would live our lives well' and we will.

Alexis, you have left a huge hole in our world - a void that is impossible to fill. Even though you were only here for a short time the impact you made on all of us will last several lifetimes, the lessons you taught us still resonate, to smile through adversity, to never give up, to be positive, to live life to the fullest. And I promise you we all will try to live our lives with your lessons in mind, to not waste a second. This, is your legacy!

We can no longer tell you to dress warm, or drive safe, we can no longer hug you but, we can still tell you that we love you and, we will love you forever! Thank you for sharing your life with us for a little while, you were an amazing daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, cousin and friend!

We will never ever forget you.

Lyla Tov Motek, Chula Mot Paz
(good-night, sweetie, golden dreams)

All our love,
Mom, Dad and Danielle.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Mother's Day et al.

I didn't write about Mother's Day yet because I wanted the dust to settle a little before I tackled it, obviously it's a big subject.
We began attending a group for parents who have lost a child, it was suggested to us not because we particularly need it, but because we may find comfort in the company of others who feel as we do. Sitting in a room with these poor parents is not comforting to me. Instead I find that after a week where I am busy, relatively upbeat, coping as best I can, I go to this group and all we do is cry over the child we have lost. It's supposed to be a safe place where we can say how we feel, but instead, the heavy sadness in the room weighs me down. I leave these sessions sadder, more depressed than I felt all week. Most of the participants say that they feel alone and the group for them is about companionship and understanding. I don't feel alone, my family and friends are giving me ample opportunity to talk, to grieve. What I have learned is that in order to move forward we must let Lex go. This is so heartbreaking for me but it is also necessary. It doesn't mean I stop loving her or carrying her in my heart, what it means is that we recognize that our world is different now, will never, ever be the same again so, we must adapt to the changes instead of trying to hang on to the way it used to be, that is what Dani, Rick and I are attempting to do. Which brings me to Mother's Day our national Hallmark Holiday, when Dani asked me how I wanted to spend Mothers Day I said "as simply as possible" we decided to go to a movie and out for coffee and it was lovely, I love spending time with her, no gifts, no brunches, no fuss, no muss. I still visited my mom and mother-in-law and of course I visited Lex, but aside from a few memory flashes and a few tears the day was anti-climatic and nice. I hope by creating new rituals or making small changes in the old ones we will continue to move forward. Lex would not want us to wallow.