Alexis's 30th Birthday

Always before Alexis's birthday I get a little maudlin.  The magnitude of what we have lost is incomprehensible.  This birthday would have been her 30th and Lex would have celebrated in style.  We continued with the wonderful tradition that began with Lex's 28th birthday.  This year almost 30 friends and family joined us for a Sushi, Asian fusion dinner (Lex's favorite) at a local restaurant.  We visited Lex in the afternoon and spent time thinking about and missing this beautiful, vibrant, wonderful person - my daughter.   Then we went to dinner with the most beautiful, wonderful people, our friends and family.  When I looked around the restaurant my heart warmed to see so many loving faces who needed/wanted to be together and be with us on this night and I am so grateful that Lex was the kind of person who garnered so much love.  This is a trickle down effect, the love for Lex is now being given to us unconditionally  and it helps, it helps a lot.

 I find myself day dreaming sometimes, wondering where Lex would be now if she had lived.  Where would she be working, would she be living on her own, would she be married, single? So many possible scenarios.  If she had never gotten Leukemia where would she be?  As a healthy person the sky was the limit for Lex, the possibilities endless.   That she would have been living in another country is a big possibility, she was an adventurer, an explorer, a risk taker, she easily connected with people wherever she went and the world held endless possibilities for her. But, if she had survived I wonder if she could have been a complete person or would she have been riddled with health issues for the rest of her life?  Graft versus host disease, secondary cancers, cataracts (already diagnosed) lung issues, liver issues, joint pain and arthritis from steroids and chemo, a weakened immune system, heart problems, the list goes on and on, and I ask how my vibrant daughter would have coped with this litany of health problems.  Would we have had to watch a person we adored attempting to live a compromised life, constantly hitting brick walls, never being able to achieve what she dreamed of, and always with the fear that her disease would return.  Is life no matter what, better than no life?  Selfishly I say yes, but, would she?  So I have to content myself with the knowledge that Alexis lived a full and happy life for 27 years, she loved deeply, lived hard and played harder.  Lex would want us all to remember that the most important things are really very simple, they are,  hug tight, eat well, love deeply, laugh till you cry, and celebrate, celebrate every single life event with enthusiasm!
 So Happy 30th Birthday my darling, I hope you had the party of your dreams.