My Paradox

After almost 3 years of mourning I think I am qualified to discuss what its really like, I mean REALLY like to live this way.  The death of your child is not something you plan for.  It is when that child is born healthy and helpless, that you understand the enormity of the responsibility you have taken on, as a parent you feel fear but also excitement for your child's future, imagining, and planning as they grow.   Immediately you also experience a love so powerful that you know you would do anything to ensure that your child lives as wonderful a life as you can provide.  But, when the unimaginable happens and your child is diagnosed with a life threatening disease you realize how vulnerable we really are and all the unreasonable fears you harboured inside all your child's life have actually become real, this does irreparable damage, it opens the door to fear.  You understand with clarity that your child could die, when your child does die, well, our language has no words to describe the unimaginable pain and sadness you feel, it is horror, it is pain, it is terrible emptiness and it is the knowledge that nothing you can do will ever bring your child home and that's when you understand that this is how you are going to feel for the rest of your life.   You will never stop missing your child nor do you want to because somehow missing her and remembering her hold hands in your heart.  This is a life changing experience, the worst has happened the open door that fear walked through stays open,  now you belong to the special club of people who understand our true powerlessness.   But, although I fear life's frailty it is that very fear that has provided me with the insight to see how wondrous our existence is.  I will always feel overwhelming sadness but somehow, miraculously I can appreciate joy, see beauty and feel love. This is what Alexis's death has taught me and I clearly see the paradox of my life,  the confusing emotional rollercoaster that I ride every day.