Today Alexis's life fit neatly into 9 green garbage bags containing blue jeans, dresses, blouses, sweaters, blazers , shoes, pajamas, tee shirts, bathing suits, winter clothes and summer clothes.
9 bags. The clothes were among her most valuable possessions. Going through them was like a trip down memory lane and many items triggered flashbacks to good and bad times, the dress she wore to her prom, the pajamas she wore in the hospital. Dani and I lovingly examined each item and discussed whether to keep or donate it. I know Lex would be pleased that we are donating her belongings to the Children 's Wish Foundation and it helps that they will go where they are needed. However, the bags also call attention to how young she was and how little she had. Lex's spirit, her hopes and dreams are wrapped up in those 9 bags, and they are a painful reminder that she just never had a chance to really get started.
It was a hard afternoon and I feel sad at having to do this task at all, emptying her cupboard and drawers of her most intimate belongings is such an invasion of her space and, it is so final. Part of me feels that I could have put off doing it because there is some comfort in seeing her room as she left it. There is also the unreasonable concern that without her clothes to look at it will become harder to remember her, even though I know that I really don't need her stuff to keep her memory alive. Leaving her room untouched also seems the easier choice as in easier to do nothing, but it really isn't, because it was distressing to see her clothes becoming outdated, a constant reminder of a life that simply stopped. 9 green garbage bags containing my daughters essence now sit on my porch waiting for pick up and it is all I can do not to run outside, rescue them and put them back where they belong despite knowing that the act of donating her clothing albeit painful is another necessary step in moving forward.
Saturday, November 16, 2013
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