Being Grateful

On Dec 29 Alexis will have been gone for 9 years.  9 years, it’s such a long time to not have her sharing in our lives and living her own.  Yes I do try to imagine who she would be now, what she would be doing where she would be living, I ignore all the medical challenges she would have faced and create a fantasy world where she is healthy, successful, beautiful and always smiling.  Last night we celebrated Chanukah with my family,  we had my daughter and son in law, my grandson, a newly engaged couple , babies, cousins, aunts, uncles, a great grandmother, grandparents, a loud, boisterous loving family, only 2 were missing my dad who passed this year after a full,  good, long life and Lex who was only at the threshold of hers.  I miss her, I miss her voice, her laugh, her wisdom, her everything, she  should have been here last night sharing in the exuberance,  laughing, eating, living, loving and being loved. The only regret I have in my life is that she lost hers, if I could turn back the clock to 2004 she would never have gotten sick, but wishes are only wishes and really just fruitless.    I am grateful for what I have, the closeness of my family and friends, I am grateful for the time I had with Lex even though it will never be enough. I am grateful for this new chapter in my life as a grandmother, I am grateful that I get up each morning anticipating a new day.  I know Alexis would want us to choose happiness and I do, most of the time, but then there are days when I don’t.....