Heaven?

I've been thinking about heaven lately. I want to imagine that such a place really exists. That when we die we don't just go back to the earth,'dust to dust'. Is there an after life? I'm very cynical regarding this theory. I have said for a long time,'dead is dead'. When we die there is simply, 'nothing'. It would be nice to know that Lex was somewhere wonderful, that she is happy, not in pain and no longer afraid, it definitely would help me to know she still existed on some metaphysical level. Then, I wouldn't have to think about the completeness of her death, the finality of it. Alexis and I were as close as a mother and daughter could be, we spent a lot of time together especially the last year, part of me hoped that this closeness would afford me the ability to sense her, but, I don't feel her I don't even dream about her. Sometimes I stand in the middle of her room with my eyes closed trying to feel her and all I get is... nothing. I was told by a friend that after someone dies it takes a few months for them to acclimate to their new surroundings and once they have, you will dream about them. I don't know about this, what do you think? I also wonder about all those who have passed before, so many great minds, scientists and artists, I think about the waste that their deaths are. Where do all their thoughts and ideas go after they have died?
I have developed my own theory, if heaven really does exist then, I think it must be an amazing place, so beautiful, so incredible that if we knew of it we would all try to get in. No one would bother to get cured from illnesses because dieing would lead to the most wonderful after-life, no one would want to stay alive. Could this be the reason why it's so hard for our loved ones to contact us after they've died, because they might accidentally give us too much information about heaven? Is it also why if they do manage to reach us their messages are so cryptic?
I like this idea, it ties everything up in a nice little bow, answers all my questions and allows me to fantasize about Lex going on, unfortunalty, that's all I can do, pretend and hope that an afterlife really does exist then it would be all worth it.

Getting Through Another Week

I got through another week. I've been out for lunch, coffee or dinner each day. This is both good and bad! Good because I am being kept busy by an army of loving friends who understand my need to be distracted. Bad, because I have put on 5lbs in the last month. I'm trying to exercise but am really not motivated, even an upcoming cruise isn't enough of an incentive for me, so, I bought a new bathing suit in a larger size and have lots of baggy tee shirts to hide in. I'm all about comfort, loose, soft and forgiving clothes are what I'm packing. This trip isn't about glamour it's about peace, Rick and I are hoping to relax, and regroup. We both desperately need this vacation, to feel the warm sun on our faces, to be fed, entertained and not have to think about anything for an entire week.
I realize that eventually I must go on. After so many years of working my life around Lex's, I suddenly find myself free to make changes. Going back to the old routine is painful for me, every choice we made was made with Lex in mind, where I worked, the kind of vacations we took, how we lived and even, where we live. Now sadly, I am free to broaden my horizons. But while all this is true I am also stuck, moving on takes energy and desire, of which I have neither. The old routine while painfully full of reminders is also safe and sure. So, I'll heed the advice given by many of you, 'Lyat Lyat', slowly slowly and hopefully, in time will be ready to explore the options that life presents. For now, I won't think to far ahead, even packing for our vacation feels overwhelming and, it occurs to me that I'm not ready to make any life changing decisions yet. I'll take baby steps, exercise a little, paint a little, and try be open to whatever comes my way. Waiting for the day when I'll be ready to move forward and embrace what life has to offer.

Healing

We have continued to attend Shul on the weekends, we like it, it's comforting and we've made friends there. The 1st Saturday we were at Shul I was invited to go for 'coffee' midway through the service. Frances, Brenda and I went down a hallway through some doors to a little table that had a coffee urn and some honey cakes on it, we stood around talking and sipping our coffee for about 1/2 an hour, a thoroughly enjoyable break, I now do this every Saturday. I feel as if I've joined a secret club. Today Rick and I went for lunch after Shul there were 9 of us. Brenda mentioned that they all met saying Kaddish for a loved one and have just carried on, becoming friends, I like this too!

The next step in our 'healing' is to buy a puppy, we need to breathe some fresh air into our home. We already have a dog, Dodger, whom Lex adored, but at 17 years old he is blind, deaf and has a bad heart, we know he's living on borrowed time. Alexis's biggest fear was that Dodger would not be alive when she returned home, we never thought it would be the other way around. So, we are buying a puppy and already have a name picked out, Turtle, pronounced Tuuurtle. Why Tuuurtle? Because that was Lex's nickname for the past year. Her boyfriend started calling her Tzav which is Turtle in Hebrew and strangely, her doctor in Israel started calling her Tuuurtle with his thick Israeli accent almost immediately, we never new why. All I know is that whenever I call 'Tuuurtle come' it will make me smile, it will make all of us smile.

The First Time Without Her

Today began with a trip to the cemetery, the first time I've gone since the funeral. The snow was pure white and deep, we carefully placed two stones on her grave stood there for a few minutes, staring and then, left. Later we went to the wedding of Lex's 1st cousin, we only went to the ceremony I didn't have the heart to go to the party, my niece made a beautiful bride the setting was lovely everyone so happy. Lex would have loved that wedding, dressing up, dancing, open bar, dessert table, seeing her cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents, she loved simchas. We would have been in the pictures, joined in the horas and had a wonderful time. Am I bitter, yes, what happened to my family is wrong, it's unfair, instead of making a funeral I should have been planning a wedding or at least watching my daughter planning her own future. But, it wasn't to be, and now I'm left to pick up the pieces of our lives and try to go on without her. We all feel it, Dani's quiet sadness, Rick, a father's heartbreak, and me, the emptiness swirls around inside me so profound I don't have words to describe it. And so we watched the wedding and tried not to feel anything and mostly tried not to cry, instead we smiled and chatted and put on brave faces, we were gracious when people gave us their condolences and we wished everyone Mazel Tov, then, after the ceremony was over we quietly left, taking our sadness with us, while the rest of our family rejoiced at the marriage of a beautiful young couple with a bright future we mourned the end of a young life that held so much promise.

Missing Her More and More

Shloshim, the 30 days of mourning has ended. Now we are supposed to begin the business of getting on with our lives, easier said than done. Instead of getting easier this is getting harder, it seems to be out of order. Now when I think about her not only does my stomach hurt I feel nauseous as well, I never felt nauseous before. My mind is having a tough time with the finality, the realization that, her life is over, while our lives go on. Habits are the worst, patterns so entrenched and repeated for years like, preparing dinners, doing laundry or simply hearing her come home, opening the front door after a night out with friends.

Lex often helped me with the cooking, she'd chop and saute, experiment with different sauces and BBQ, she loved to BBQ, we enjoyed cooking together and I was thrilled to spend this time with her, it was special. Making dinner is achingly lonely for me now, I no longer have my assistant chef sitting beside me wanting to add exotic mushrooms to every dish. Then, as I was doing the laundry I realized there are a lot less clothes to wash, no sorted piles all over the laundry room floor sitting there for days, annoying me. As cliche as it sounds I would love to be annoyed right now. When the front door opens I think "oh Lex is home" and then I remember, no Lex, never ever Lex anymore and I feel confused, surprised and nauseous. I suspect that this is just the beginning, officially the period of mourning is over but now, the real grieving begins because this is forever, Lex isn't magically going to return to us, and accepting this cold fact is how we will all be able to go on.

Emotions

I realized recently that I have been trying to 'get through' each day, I do this by avoiding....everything and anything emotional. If I robotically go through the day then I won't feel anything, right? WRONG! No matter how hard I try it seems my emotions break out. So instead, there is this enormous build-up and then suddenly my feelings escape. This escape is akin to a sizable volcanic eruption, one that I have not had a chance to prepare for and have no control over. After, I feel paralyzed, weak, unable to function. But then as if the pressure has been released I feel....lighter. I have been told that with time we will learn to live with this deep sadness, I hope so, Lex would be very annoyed with me if I didn't get my act together. There were times when we got bad news from the doctors and she would look into my eyes and say 'don't cry mom' and with great effort I would manage to control myself. Now she's not here I find I have lost that strength and the tears roll uncontrolled.

Halavah Cakes

Our dear friends and family have blanketed us with love and support. I know they are concerned, but, we will get through this and carry on with our lives. One of the reasons we'll be successful is because of the support we've received from so many. This blog has surprised me, I write it because it's cathartic, putting my thoughts down helps me understand what I'm feeling, but now, I'm also writing because of the overwhelming response I've received. So many of you, complete strangers have felt compelled to send me messages on Facebook sharing your own stories of loss offering advise and support, letting me know that we are not alone. There is a poignant beauty to these messages their undertone of sadness with their offer of healing and I am listening.

Surprisingly, in spite of everything, we can still enjoy and appreciate the efforts of the people around us. While in Israel Lex and I discovered a cake, a Bubkah baked with chocolate and halavah and it quickly became a favorite of ours. Alana our wonderful cousin, wanted to visit us in Tel Aviv, so, she arranged to lead a Birthright Trip to Israel, when Lex died, she was already enroute, unable to replace herself. Her sister Elise knew we loved the halavah cakes from the Brasserie Restaurant/Bakery so they conspired to bring a few home. They purchased 20 cakes and each one was carried by a young adult from the trip. I have this image in my mind of these cakes being taken through customs and I can't help smiling at the thought. Sometimes it's the little things that have the biggest impact a beautiful gesture, transporting 20 cakes 5800 miles to my front door, teaches me that in spite of my grief I can still smile, a first step towards healing.