One Year Later

Its funny but for the first time I really can't think of anything to write. Maybe its because there is so much to say it's hard to pick one topic, or maybe I've covered all the topics related to Lex already. Or, that even though we have been through so much we are still not safe from the world no matter how much I try to write, rationalize, theorize and philosophize. You'd think that because of the tragedy of Lex's death we would be given a pass on any more drama but apparently that's not the case. I once asked a Rabbi if its true that god only gives you as much as you can handle? and, he said...no.
In 2011 we suffered and survived the loss of my precious Alexis, the closing of my husbands company a family rift and a member of our community who spread ugly rumours, this past year has been....challenging. Would I be justified in feeling hopeless and depressed? I think I would. But of course you would say, hasn't there been so much good too? And, you would be right. When I think about all the support we have received and continue to receive from our wonderful friends and family, when I think about how much we are loved, when I think about Danielle my incredible daughter, and Rick who has become my rock I feel such pride.

This is a story of love, resilience, strength and determination.
Dec. 29 marks the anniversary of Lexs death, this past month has been so hard. I felt as if I was re walking the final days of her life, memories would pop unsolicited into my head some good...most bad, the ache in my heart is constant her absence from my world to big for words. We marked this sad anniversary by sharing it with family and friends, we chose a restaurant that Lex discovered (Asian of course) and over 20 of us broke bread, or should I say Sushi together and when I looked around the room I knew that Alexis was smiling, seeing everyone she loved together. Although Lex is our common bond I believe that our relationship with these people now transcends her, the closeness I feel to all of them is heartwarming and life long.

We survived 2011 and grew stronger, Rick found solace in charity work organizing a team for Road Hockey to Conquer Cancer, working with Shari's Mission at swabbing events to build up the stem cell transplant bank, and volunteering with our synagogue. When he didn't think he could survive the death of his beloved child he discovered love, resilience, strength and determination.

Dani graduated with honours found a job and has begun to live her life as an adult. I know she misses her big sister all the time, misses hair and make-up advice, misses having someone to vent to about her parents, misses the companionship and misses the old family dynamic. But with the love and support of her incredible friends and family she is blossoming into a wonderful compassionate young woman with a future full of promise.

I've been on a voyage of self discovery my passion for painting has only grown to the point that I am beginning to think of myself as an artist, alongside my family and friends it is the painting that has helped me the most. I have poured myself onto the canvas painting blurry images of otherworldly dancers, paintings not depressing but vibrant full of colour....full of hope. My imagination will not allow me to paint Lex anywhere that is not beautiful and full of light. These images sustain me and sometimes I feel that I am not painting alone.

We have walked through the fire and although we were terribly burned we are healing, a tough new layer of skin has grown covering the burns, enabling us to look at the world bravely, confidant that with love, resiliance, strength and determination we will carry on without our beloved Alexis.

I guess I had plenty to write about after all and as we enter this new year, I am hopeful that it will be a year of peace and contentment for everyone.