Being Grateful

On Dec 29 Alexis will have been gone for 9 years.  9 years, it’s such a long time to not have her sharing in our lives and living her own.  Yes I do try to imagine who she would be now, what she would be doing where she would be living, I ignore all the medical challenges she would have faced and create a fantasy world where she is healthy, successful, beautiful and always smiling.  Last night we celebrated Chanukah with my family,  we had my daughter and son in law, my grandson, a newly engaged couple , babies, cousins, aunts, uncles, a great grandmother, grandparents, a loud, boisterous loving family, only 2 were missing my dad who passed this year after a full,  good, long life and Lex who was only at the threshold of hers.  I miss her, I miss her voice, her laugh, her wisdom, her everything, she  should have been here last night sharing in the exuberance,  laughing, eating, living, loving and being loved. The only regret I have in my life is that she lost hers, if I could turn back the clock to 2004 she would never have gotten sick, but wishes are only wishes and really just fruitless.    I am grateful for what I have, the closeness of my family and friends, I am grateful for the time I had with Lex even though it will never be enough. I am grateful for this new chapter in my life as a grandmother, I am grateful that I get up each morning anticipating a new day.  I know Alexis would want us to choose happiness and I do, most of the time, but then there are days when I don’t.....

Road hockey #9

This year has been a roller coaster, with soaring highs and plunging lows. The highest peaks were reached when I became a grandmother and it’s the best feeling in the world this little boy holds my heart in his hands, when he sees me he lights up and I am his. The lows were the passing of my dad last May, he was 94 we were witness to his steady decline from colon cancer, going from robust to frail in a matter of months and then never waking up one day. Life is full of so many small and petty moments that I think it becomes to easy to focus on the negative. Senseless rifts in families take energy away from what’s important. Forget the people in your world who are toxic to you, they’re agendas are not yours focus instead on what makes you feel fulfilled, gives you joy. Life is short and Cancer makes it shorter trust me I know. Donate to Team Lex-Road Hockey to Conquer Cancer and give someone the gift of time. https://rhcc1.akaraisin.com/RoadHockey19/lex2019