13 years

I think a lot about Lex.  My life is good and I’m blessed with friends, family, my daughter, my son in law and my  beautiful grandchildren.  But Lex, Lex exists between the layers of my life, peeking around corners hovering overhead always just out of reach. There but not there, intangible and important, brushing past my face like whispers.  You’d think after 13 years I’d be used to this but I know I will never get used to it. My life has grown around this loss, her death is carved into my soul, sometimes I feel like Lex and I are one and she lives on through me.  My darling Lex, beautiful, vibrant, gifted and so much more, saying I miss you seems insufficient the words too simple to convey the emotions I feel but they are all I have so, 

Lex I miss you  we all do.

If I Could Have 1 Hour With Lex

If I could have one hour to chat on a bench with Alexis, after 12 years what would we talk about?  What would that 1 hour conversation consist of?  That I would tell her how much I love her, how much she is missed and how much she has missed is obvious but, what else?  My feelings, her feelings my worries her worries, my hopes her hopes, my dreams her dreams.  Nothing concrete only wisps of smoke, mercury that I can’t grasp, vague foggy images without substance but with the illusion of substance. Something is ‘there ’, whether it is underneath or beside or above, it is ‘there’  That constant tantalizing and yet comforting feeling that she is near but not near.  So, maybe I will sit on a park bench and conjure Lex up for the conversation that I am yearning to have with her.

Because I endlessly miss her in my life.