ALEXIS’ GIFT

Seven years, 84 months, 2555 days no matter how you add it up a lot of time has passed since Lex died. But no matter how much time the grieving feels the same as the day she died, Dec. 29, 2010. Lex hasn’t changed a bit, still 27, still beautiful, still strong. I however, have done a complete 180, I have reinvented myself as a strong, resilient woman. If you didn’t know my history, if I didn’t tell you my story you would never know the emptiness I feel when I think about her, the debilitating, crushing sadness that sits on my shoulders pushing me down. I may never have become the person I am today if I hadn’t made a promise to Lex in those final moments of her life. I told her, ‘I promise you, I will live my life well’ this promise became Alexis’s gift to me, because it gave me a purpose and direction it encouraged me to value my life and try to live with resolve something Lex never had a chance to do. My metamorphosis has been slow and sometimes painful, Alexis’ journey was cut short, mine still goes on and so by putting one foot in front of the other Lex’s gift has helped me to survive her death. Without her gift I may never have been motivated to get out of bed. Her gift has helped me to appreciate the beauty of my life and to share in her ’Joyeux de vivre’. I miss her every second of every hour of every day and my heart aches with the sadness of my loss but I feel comfort in knowing that a simple promise I made to Lex became a gift that encourages all of us to ‘live our lives well’.

28-Strengh (Koach)

Strength in an interesting thing, it’s subjective like quick silver, I really never saw myself as strong, it was all a show for Lex, if she saw me as strong, unwavering in my belief that she would be ok then she would also be strong and I needed her to be strong. Strength is also hope and faith and they are interchangeable, as long as I had hope and faith I could be strong as long as I was strong I felt hopeful, this attitude left no room for doubt and provided a bonus trickle down affect to her dad, sister and the rest of our family who mirrored my behaviour when with Lex. Unfortunately we all lost our battle in the end, losing Alexis was a blow that no amount of Koach can help you recover from. After she died I still saw 28’s everywhere but instead of hope I felt dread because I believed that 28 was a warning, you better be strong because something bad is about to happen. Today, 7 years later I am still seeing 28’s but now I think that Lex is sending them to me, she believed until her last breath that they were positives, as long as she kept seeing them she would be ok. As we approach the 7th anniversary of her death I am grateful for the memories I have of her, especially those last weeks in Israel. However, when triggered the sadness I feel is still staggering but I am glad for this because I never want to be comfortable and accepting of her unfair, heartbreaking death.

The Heartbreaking Reality of Cancer

Everything within our power must be done to eradicate this devastating disease. My beautiful, talented, brilliant daughter travelled from diagnosis to death along the halls of fear, despair and hope for 6.5 years. Cancer, is a devastating disease because of what it robs you of. It isn't just physical, it's also mental and emotional, as I can attest after witnessing my daughter's world get smaller and smaller. It broke my heart to watch her adjusting her dreams to fit into the parameters of ALL (acute lymphoblastic leukaemia). Nausea, fevers, endless trips to emergency, were just a few of the symptoms. Alexis was a team player, willing to do whatever it took to get well again, so, when she lost her hair, she bravely smiled and said, 'it would grow back' when she was nauseas she patiently waited for the nausea to pass, when she ached in every joint in her body from the steroids she accepted it because steroids made the chemo work better. When she had high fevers that brought her to the hospital's emergency department she patiently waited until they passed and she could go home. When she relapsed she willingly submitted to a stem cell transplant with all the pain that accompanies one. As she experienced the relentless progression of Cancer I watched her world get smaller, finishing school, travelling, having children were all being taken from her and with each loss she adjusted her attitude and tried to find a new dream, something that would fit into a compromised life. Cancer is vicious not just for the obvious physical ordeal that must be endured but also for the unbearable sadness that comes with the realization that the life you thought was yours, the life that everyone around you enjoyed was never going to happen. When Alexis died we were heartsick, but as I watched my daughters 'joyeux de vive' slowly fade into her last breath, I felt a profound, agonizing loss for all she should have been. To donate copy and paste this link: https://rhcc1.akaraisin.com/RHCC2017/lexrick