Saturday, November 14, 2015

I wasn't sure I could be happy on my daughter Danielle's wedding day. I thought I would have to compartmentalize my emotions as I always do. Imagine my surprise when I realized that the happiness and jubilation I felt were true. We all missed having Lex there, how she would have loved the planning, the primping, being Dani's 'maid of honour' and of course the partying. I thought that I would be overwhelmed, my emotions flip flopping, but instead I was able to enjoy Dani's wedding without the pull of sadness that often still takes my breath away. Rick and I are thrilled for Dani her new husband and our new son Dean, they are a wonderful couple. The wedding was beautiful full of warmth, a celebration of love. Dani looked gorgeous, she glowed and it was the first time in many years that we all felt truly happy. Alexis was heard in the song choices, she was with us under the chuppa, she was carried in the bouquet and she sat on top of the wedding cake. But it was Dani and Deans day and it was their joyful love for each other that created the mood and encouraged everyone to celebrate with them.

Saturday, August 22, 2015

Alexis's 32nd Birthday

What is a birthday? It's the day you give birth to hope, love, joy, in the form of a little person who you created and excitedly introduce to the world. You spend hours trying to imagine who they will become. When Alexis was born we thought she was a superstar from the very beginning. She cried tears early, spoke early, was potty trained early. In school she did well and as she grew we became aware that she was socially smart garnering many loyal friends. As she got older it became apparent that she had a passion for travel and when it came time to discuss a career, anything that involved travel was her goal. Armed with a degree in HR she immediately sought work in the Travel Industry. One month after getting her job she discovered that she had relapsed. We will never know if she would have continued this path, if she would have stayed in Toronto or moved to work overseas. During her illness the dream changed to working in Israel, she loved it there. I was happy to know she was still making plans, trying to figure out what her next step would be, because that meant she felt hopeful that she would recover. I wish I knew how her story would unfold, but sadly I don't, she took all her dreams with her when she died. Today Lex would have been 32 years old, would she be married, working? have children? With Dani's upcoming marriage I wonder about her involvement, showers, stagette, maid of honour, speeches. She is not here to participate in any part of this wedding, there is a terrible void without her. Dani has grown into a beautiful adult, someone I enjoy talking to and spending time with, I am proud of my relationship with her and am happy and excited for her wedding. I know she misses Alexis, misses the 'what could have been' and the intimate sharing that occurs between sisters. Losing Alexis altered the fabric of my family forever, a deep wide gash that we are trying to patch, but will never fully repair. Our longing for her feels so much more poignant this year not only because of her birthday but because of her sister's approaching wedding where Lex's absence will be profoundly felt by all who knew her. So today while we should be celebrating the anniversary of our daughters birth we are instead remembering her with sweet sadness. I feel that the past, the present and the future are all colliding as I remember my beautiful Alexis, missing her today and everyday and moving forward without her.

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Recently I went to a funeral.  The person who passed away was my age.  I knew her briefly and wanted to honour her memory by attending..  She died of Cancer.  She is survived by a loving husband 2 adult children, aging parents, sisters, nieces, nephews and friends.  She had a full and beautiful life, needless to say her family is devastated.  As I listened to the beautiful words her son spoke I felt  such sadness.  This young man will survive but, he will  be changed forever.  His is a loss  of innocence and the realization that to live is to be vulnerable and susceptible to tragedy.  Her sisters also spoke and through their tears and pain they were able to paint a picture  of a woman who was strong, proud and passionate, I feel their loss.  I understand their pain.  Nothing will ever be the same again.  Death is always sad no matter what the age or circumstances but to die in your prime after suffering from illness for years is cruel.   The one thing I know is we who are the survivors somehow go on,  we are helpless to the passage of time.  Suddenly 4 years have passed, you are 4 years older and you have moved on without them.