One Year Later

Its funny but for the first time I really can't think of anything to write. Maybe its because there is so much to say it's hard to pick one topic, or maybe I've covered all the topics related to Lex already. Or, that even though we have been through so much we are still not safe from the world no matter how much I try to write, rationalize, theorize and philosophize. You'd think that because of the tragedy of Lex's death we would be given a pass on any more drama but apparently that's not the case. I once asked a Rabbi if its true that god only gives you as much as you can handle? and, he said...no.
In 2011 we suffered and survived the loss of my precious Alexis, the closing of my husbands company a family rift and a member of our community who spread ugly rumours, this past year has been....challenging. Would I be justified in feeling hopeless and depressed? I think I would. But of course you would say, hasn't there been so much good too? And, you would be right. When I think about all the support we have received and continue to receive from our wonderful friends and family, when I think about how much we are loved, when I think about Danielle my incredible daughter, and Rick who has become my rock I feel such pride.

This is a story of love, resilience, strength and determination.
Dec. 29 marks the anniversary of Lexs death, this past month has been so hard. I felt as if I was re walking the final days of her life, memories would pop unsolicited into my head some good...most bad, the ache in my heart is constant her absence from my world to big for words. We marked this sad anniversary by sharing it with family and friends, we chose a restaurant that Lex discovered (Asian of course) and over 20 of us broke bread, or should I say Sushi together and when I looked around the room I knew that Alexis was smiling, seeing everyone she loved together. Although Lex is our common bond I believe that our relationship with these people now transcends her, the closeness I feel to all of them is heartwarming and life long.

We survived 2011 and grew stronger, Rick found solace in charity work organizing a team for Road Hockey to Conquer Cancer, working with Shari's Mission at swabbing events to build up the stem cell transplant bank, and volunteering with our synagogue. When he didn't think he could survive the death of his beloved child he discovered love, resilience, strength and determination.

Dani graduated with honours found a job and has begun to live her life as an adult. I know she misses her big sister all the time, misses hair and make-up advice, misses having someone to vent to about her parents, misses the companionship and misses the old family dynamic. But with the love and support of her incredible friends and family she is blossoming into a wonderful compassionate young woman with a future full of promise.

I've been on a voyage of self discovery my passion for painting has only grown to the point that I am beginning to think of myself as an artist, alongside my family and friends it is the painting that has helped me the most. I have poured myself onto the canvas painting blurry images of otherworldly dancers, paintings not depressing but vibrant full of colour....full of hope. My imagination will not allow me to paint Lex anywhere that is not beautiful and full of light. These images sustain me and sometimes I feel that I am not painting alone.

We have walked through the fire and although we were terribly burned we are healing, a tough new layer of skin has grown covering the burns, enabling us to look at the world bravely, confidant that with love, resiliance, strength and determination we will carry on without our beloved Alexis.

I guess I had plenty to write about after all and as we enter this new year, I am hopeful that it will be a year of peace and contentment for everyone.

The Medium and the Message

During the past 10 months I have experienced a wide array of feelings. We've felt deep despair, the likes of which I wasn't sure I would ever recover from. There has been numbness, when you are not able to feel any emotion at all and I found myself faking what I think were accurate responses. Then there has been joy, yes I said joy, at the most unexpected moments, such as when my little dog jumps on my lap and licks me with such enthusiasm that I have to smile, simple pleasures. We are slowly evolving, changing from a family of 4 to a family of 3. 3 place settings at the dinner table, 3 tickets to the movies, 3 dentist appointments. It's an adjustment and sometimes it feels....lonely and too quiet. I think we are doing well, I think Alexis would be proud of us, but this adjustment takes work, it requires me to be aware of my families needs so I guess I'm still doing, IT, except the requirements are different now. Before IT was all about keeping my family whole and positive at a time when we were falling apart and facing the worst possible news. Now, IT requires attempting to keep myself and my family whole and positive in spite of all that has happened. We participated in grievance counselling where we sat around a table with 11 other bereaved parents and listened to their heartbreaking stories, a format that may work for some but did not provide us with the comfort nor the coping skills we were seeking. Instead I found myself wanting to heal everyone in the group, and being impatient when I couldn't. How we came to be in a grievance group at all, is interesting, 3 completely unrelated people all recommended it to us, all 3 recommending the same grief counsellor, when this happened I felt like we were being 'directed' to this group so we attended it. Through the group we learned of a book called 'Repairing Rainbows' I read the book, a story about death and triumph with a message we also have embraced, to 'choose happiness' this book mentioned a successful visit to a 'Medium' named Sandy. Interesting I thought. Then once again 3 unrelated people also told me about a Medium named Sandy and I discovered that this Sandy had written a book called 'My Gift of Light', which I also read. Now before you discount me let me say that I have never really considered the validity of an 'afterlife', in fact I'm pretty cynical about it 'dead is dead'. But lately there have been 'things' I am unable to explain with logic, vivid dreams, coincidences and of course the strong feelings that led me to both the Grievance Counselor and then to the Medium. I need to qualify this by saying these are not the desperate needs of a pathetically sad mother instead I feel a curiosity, and am aware that there are 'coincidences that I am unable to explain away, So I decided to contact 'Sandy'.

We had our 'reading' a few weeks ago, we went with cynicism, afraid to hope. Is this real? Could it possibly be real? I askd my husband who, as an accountant is very skeptical, to join us because if there is something to this 'you'll be sorry you missed it and if there isn't, well, its a pleasant drive to Georgetown'. It's taken me almost 2 weeks to process the reading, Sandy gave us a tape and I've listened to it 5 times with other family and friends everyone is in agreement she definitely told us things that were both accurate and impossible for her to know. Lex came through 'loud and clear'. The impression I got was that Lex is healthy, happy, and very social. She is surrounded by extended family and is with her '2 coloured dog' who passed last summer, she runs with him. She is a very bright light in this 'other realm' and eager to 'talk' to us through the Medium, her message was that she is fine now, no longer sick, or in pain and as the Medium said is grieving for us because we are grieving for her.

So, was I somehow directed to this Medium? is Lex responsible for the 'odd' things occurring in my home, or is it just wishful thinking? I'm convinced that this can't be explained away, that our societies stance on the subject of the afterlife is perhaps too black and white. It is comforting to think that our loved ones who have passed still exist on another level, it is also comforting to think that once we die we will go on and one day be with our loved ones again.
In my opinion there is no harm in hoping that this is real and I think that HOPE is the ultimate result of my quest. Why is hope so important? I know that the night Lex died my hope died with her, that's when the numbness took over. As long as we felt 'hope' we were fine, we believed, when it was gone it felt like withdrawal as if we were addicted to a drug that had been taken away. The emptiness was painful, we felt purposeless, It was as if a limb had been amputated I kept trying to use it, feel it, but it was no longer there. Now after this visit to the Medium I'm not sure what I believe, but maybe I'm looking at it from the wrong direction maybe I should be saying why not believe?

Light The Night-October 5, 2011

Welcome to my personal Light The Night fundraising page!


I am participating in the Light the Night Walk in memory of my courageous and beautiful daughter Alexis Wronzberg who passed away December 29, 2010 from Leukemia. This is our 3rd year participating in Light the Night a cause that Lex supported. Now I am walking for her and because of her. Please join me in this moving and important event, walk with me in memory of my daughter Alexis, walk with me to raise money to wipe out this horrible disease that has robbed so many.

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.

Sponsor or join our team.http://www.lightthenight.ca/


The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society of Canada’s (LLSC) Light The Night Walk is the nation’s night to pay tribute and bring hope to all those affected by blood cancer. This fall, I will be joining thousands of people walking in twilight carrying illuminated balloons…


To benefit all 90,000 people affected by blood cancers in Canada.
All those that will be diagnosed every 34 minutes,
And those, who every 72 minutes, will die.


I will be walking for them, with them, and to benefit them.


You can be part of the cure by kindly donating to my fundraising efforts.


Thank you for supporting me and the thousands of Canadians living with a blood cancer.

Princess Alexis and her Magical Smile

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess named Alexis who twirled around spreading happiness and light where ever she went. The princess had a very special magic trick, if someone was sad all she had to do was smile and they felt better. Everyone always wanted her to smile so they would feel better too. Princess Alexis was very beautiful and dressed in beautiful princess clothes. But, it was her magical smile that everyone noticed, when she smiled it was as if she had sparkle powder on her skin because she glowed. The princess was so happy that she even smiled in her sleep. She loved everything and everyone and especially animals, her favorites were turtles and monkeys who made her so happy that she danced and twirled in her beautiful princess dresses whenever she saw them. Princess Alexis travelled to far away lands and everyone she met in all the countries she visited loved her. The princess's life was full of sparkles and rainbows, colourful stones, chocolate, monkeys and turtles and she was happy. One day the princess met a handsome prince, who was charmed by her. He felt happy when he was with her and together they spread laughter and joy wherever they went. The princess felt safe and protected when she was with him and that made her even happier so she smiled even more! Oh, how happy they were, they're world was perfect. But, just like in real life things change and so it happened to Princess Alexis. One day, 'evil' invaded her world, it slithered in on the ground, slimy and black. At first it came in so quietly that the princess didn't notice soon though her world started to grow dark and although she tried to keep smiling it became hard. She tried her best to fight against this evil she went to the best wizards in the world searching for a powerful magic to destroy it. The Prince held her tight and told her that the evil would soon go away and then they could dance in the sunlight again but, he was wrong and the evil kept growing stronger and stronger. The princess began to see that in order to escape the horrible evil she would have to leave her world and so one day she took a deep breath, closed her eyes and gently floated to a far away place where the evil could no longer reach her. Even though Princess Alexis was now safe everyone who knew her was sad because they could no longer feel the warmth of her beautiful smile. The handsome prince was lost without his princess but, he knew that she was spreading happiness and light and smiling her magical smile in a new land full of sparkles and rainbows, colourful stones, chocolate, turtles and monkeys forever free from the horrible slimy evil.

A Poem - by Alexis written in June 2010, recently discovered on her computer

My life

Beginning at first diagnosis

Being in remission

What I did during remission (how I celebrated, my travels, etc.)

Reconnecting with Hayley through facebook of all things

Meeting mo in Israel of all places, what he said to me there and here

Relapsing

Chemo

Chemo didn't work, and the last and final "capeezi" method, that finally got me where I needed to be for transplant

Days leading up to transplant

Transplant

Side effects

Recovering

Being lazy

Support

How things happen

The call from Vidal Sassoon for a job in November...Strange

Funny thing is, no regrets

It's changed me...I now want to do something good with my life just unsure what yet, I don't want to sit in an office 9-5, I need to LIVE!

Clothing line idea?

Amongst other items to help patients who are undergoing treatments or even just items to make patients feel more comfortable in the hospital

Forgetting

"Is looking forward to the memories of right now"

A Love Letter to my Daughter/as read at the cemetary for her unveiling

Darling Alexis,

The 3 months that we lived in Israel was a wonderful gift. A honeymoon. I know you loved being there, loved our apartment, loved the food and loved everyone you met, you said 'you felt at home and safe there', we both did. We marvelled that the best possible treatment available to you in the entire world was in Israel. Your friends and family members visited you and you never ever felt alone or isolated, in fact the only thing you really missed was Dodger, your dog.

You were so hopeful that the doctors in Tel Aviv would heal you and, I believe the one person that would be most surprised that you did not survive, would be YOU. I get great comfort from this and I am also grateful that instead of watching you die -for 3 months I watched you live.

Lately I've been feeling your presence. I miss you, we all do. I wonder all the time if you are happy??? I wonder what you think of us. Are we doing alright? I hope you're not upset that we got a puppy, I know you wanted one and I always said no, but, Turtle has become a very important member of our family, she's helping us and I know you would understand.

Dani has finished school now and is beginning her job search, she is incredible, a rock and wise beyond her years. I know she misses you very much, we could have really used your input when we were shopping for interview clothes!
Dad and I are so proud of her!

Alexis, there are so many things I want to say to you. I realize now, how much you pushed us to try new things, to experiment! I admired you for your energy, your efforts to squeeze as much as you could out of every experience. You had an uncanny ability to always know what movies to see, what restaurants to go to, what outfits looked best, and so much more... and you were always right! I called you 'my go to girl'!

You had an insatiable appetite for life, went everywhere and knew everyone. You were very special, so special that you inspired an entire community to fight for you, how often does that happen? Yet, you were also just a girl, and trust me when I say there were many times when I was annoyed with you. But, all that was part of your lore, your charm and when you smiled you glowed and we said you were lit from within.

Your friends miss you, you were their anchor, you understood how important it was that their friendships stay strong, especially now, they need each other more than ever. They love you. You taught them how to be a true friend and they have learned well. You would be so proud, they are wonderful!

You were known for your warmth, positive attitude and of course your beautiful smile! I choose to believe that you are ok, that you are in a place where you are healthy and strong, where there is no more pain and you are not afraid and I know you have made many new friends.

Lex, you loved your family, you loved your friends and you loved Mo... you loved large. You worried about us, in fact the only worry you ever expressed was 'how we would all be, without you'.... Well, you can stop worrying, we're going to be fine. I promised you 'we would live our lives well' and we will.

Alexis, you have left a huge hole in our world - a void that is impossible to fill. Even though you were only here for a short time the impact you made on all of us will last several lifetimes, the lessons you taught us still resonate, to smile through adversity, to never give up, to be positive, to live life to the fullest. And I promise you we all will try to live our lives with your lessons in mind, to not waste a second. This, is your legacy!

We can no longer tell you to dress warm, or drive safe, we can no longer hug you but, we can still tell you that we love you and, we will love you forever! Thank you for sharing your life with us for a little while, you were an amazing daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, cousin and friend!

We will never ever forget you.

Lyla Tov Motek, Chula Mot Paz
(good-night, sweetie, golden dreams)

All our love,
Mom, Dad and Danielle.

Mother's Day et al.

I didn't write about Mother's Day yet because I wanted the dust to settle a little before I tackled it, obviously it's a big subject.
We began attending a group for parents who have lost a child, it was suggested to us not because we particularly need it, but because we may find comfort in the company of others who feel as we do. Sitting in a room with these poor parents is not comforting to me. Instead I find that after a week where I am busy, relatively upbeat, coping as best I can, I go to this group and all we do is cry over the child we have lost. It's supposed to be a safe place where we can say how we feel, but instead, the heavy sadness in the room weighs me down. I leave these sessions sadder, more depressed than I felt all week. Most of the participants say that they feel alone and the group for them is about companionship and understanding. I don't feel alone, my family and friends are giving me ample opportunity to talk, to grieve. What I have learned is that in order to move forward we must let Lex go. This is so heartbreaking for me but it is also necessary. It doesn't mean I stop loving her or carrying her in my heart, what it means is that we recognize that our world is different now, will never, ever be the same again so, we must adapt to the changes instead of trying to hang on to the way it used to be, that is what Dani, Rick and I are attempting to do. Which brings me to Mother's Day our national Hallmark Holiday, when Dani asked me how I wanted to spend Mothers Day I said "as simply as possible" we decided to go to a movie and out for coffee and it was lovely, I love spending time with her, no gifts, no brunches, no fuss, no muss. I still visited my mom and mother-in-law and of course I visited Lex, but aside from a few memory flashes and a few tears the day was anti-climatic and nice. I hope by creating new rituals or making small changes in the old ones we will continue to move forward. Lex would not want us to wallow.

A Fairy Tale?

Once upon a time there was a young couple. They fell in love got married, bought a house in the suburbs, had 2 children and a dog. For the next 21 years they lived just like everyone else. The young couple worked hard to provide their children with what they thought was important, nice clothes and toys, dance and gym classes, and family vacations. They were a happy family. As their children got older their needs changed, now they were going to university, but the parents believed that if they continued to work hard, their children just like everyone else's would be happy and successful. Then one day everything changed, their oldest daughter got Cancer. Instead of working hard to provide their children with stuff, they were working hard to provide their children with emotional support. Instead of paying for education, now they were paying for the drugs required to keep their daughter alive. Instead of having quality time from outings and family vacations now they were attempting to have quality time in a hospital room. Instead of discussing their daughters future with her educators now they were discussing her survival with her doctors. There were bad days and good days. The family celebrated not just good grades or getting a new job but positive outcomes from biopsy's and staying in remission. A subtle shift started to occur, the hardworking parents began to see that what was really important was being together, watching a movie, sharing a pizza and enjoying each others company. Things went along in this way for several years and then one day everything changed again, the cancer had returned. Medical therapy was given but, didn't work. Travel to another country always a dream of the daughters became a reality, not for pleasure but for experimental treatment to try to save her life. However, despite the mightiest efforts of the parents, doctors and community the daughter was not to be saved. So, instead of planning showers and weddings like everyone else, the parents planned a funeral.

Today, lessons learned are becoming clear. We have experienced great sorrow, met incredible people and learned that the true power of love is the ability to give without wanting or needing to receive. We have learned that we are not like everyone else, we can't be and no longer wish to be, we are unique. This desperately sad experience changed all of us, it woke us up to the fragility of life. The parents are still hard working, still want their daughter to be happy and successful but, now they count their riches not in material gains and 'stuff' but in the relationships they have garnered from the beautiful people who have come into their lives offering love, comfort and friendship.

Ever resilient, always searching for either a reason for the loss of my daughter or a lesson, I believe I have found one, although it is a hard way to learn such a lesson.

The Healing Powers of a Puppy Named Turtle!

Something almost magical is happening, prancing, jumping, happy puppy vibes have invaded my home. We have all been affected, this tiny little dog seems to understand when we simply want to sit and cuddle and when we want to play. 'Turtle' offers us unconditional love in the way only a puppy could, with licks and a constantly wagging tail, she is helping us break through the emotional fog and given us a new focus. We are all involved, Dani busy training her, Rick enjoying her mischievousness, smiling at her cuteness and me snuggling with her. The surprising healing powers of a puppy. We all talk about her constantly, ad nauseum I'm sure, but I don't care she makes me happy. I love this little dog and she loves us, Turtle brings a breath of fresh air into my home, something brand new, a healthy diversion, we all feel it and it feels good. This puppy has nothing to do with the past other than her name which was Lex's nickname. Turtle, represents the present and the future, and gives me hope that if something as simple as buying a puppy could improve our mood, then with time, we are all going to be okay.

Me

I thought I'd write about me. But what is there to actually say? My whole identity has been so wrapped up in Alexis these past 7 years that I think I may have disappeared a little, this is of course, understandable when you have an ill child. So much of our hopes and dreams are wrapped up in our children's lives, caring for them, guiding them, sharing their happiness and their pain. Being a parent involves suppressing your own life and focusing on your child's, at least that's what we did and do. When Lex got sick we went into overdrive and stayed there for 7 years. Dealing with the doctors, the pills, the side effects, the hospital appointments, infections, running to emergency, being afraid all the time, or celebrating really hard when things went well. Attempting to provide as 'normal' an environment as possible for all of us to live in took all our time and energy and the routines we developed began to feel normal for us. Our world became very small, what we did depended on how Lex was feeling at the time. We didn't really travel because we never wanted to be too far away from her and we never would make plans too far in advance, just in case. We tried to provide Lex with anything and everything she desired - and probably over-compensated for her illness. But, in the process of trying to care for Lex we suppressed us, I suppressed me. Gradually, we are beginning to understand that we no longer have to live like this, it's hard. Our routines were so entrenched that they felt normal. But we weren't normal, not even close and we're still not normal, whatever that means, how can we be? What has happened is I've not only lost my wonderful daughter I've lost my purpose and my focus and I think my identity. Alexis's needs were so great, but now she doesn't need me anymore and I am free to explore new options and yet this doesn't feel normal or good to me, it feels strange and I feel empty.

The Dream

Am I depressed or just sad, and what is the difference? I feel confused. This death thing is nasty. It muddles you, it makes you feel really bad and it never lets up. When I look at photos of my daughter I feel a 'disconnect' how could someone so totally alive, now be so totally dead? I mean just look at her in the photo, it was only taken 7 short months ago. A radiant girl laughing into the camera, then I equate this photo with what I know, that only a few months later she, ceased to be. What happened? Sometimes I almost feel like I made her up....maybe she never existed at all. It would be easier to believe this, then I wouldn't feel this sense of incredible loss.
This week I found myself thinking 'OK Lex, you've been dead long enough, it's time to come home'. But of course, the reality is that she will never return home and we must learn to understand and accept this. So I return to the question, am I depressed or sad? I believe a little of both. But, I am also working very hard to get on with my life and have begun to think about returning to my old routines, my gym, my painting classes and finding a job. One of the things that is helping me get back on track is 'the dream'. Yes, I dreamt about Lex.
In the dream, I am busy getting dinner ready for us and for Lex's grandparents. My home is bathed in the soft golden light of dusk. Lex appears in my dream with 2 new friends whom I didn't know and she is dressed in new clothes. I speak to her, I tell her that she looks really good, she has gained weight and her hair is back in that cute pixie cut. She nods in agreement. I don't hug her or kiss her, I just gaze at her, she doesn't speak or smile. She looks serious, as if she is checking to see that we are ok, Lex's only worry when she was alive was how her family would be if she didn't survive and that's the impression I get of her, in the dream, it feels as if she is making sure we are all ok. I also feel that she is memorizing the moment, and, that's it. I believe she came to me to show me that she was fine, had made new friends, had new clothes and looked healthy. That she was moving on, so to speak and now, so must we.

Moving Forward and Leaving Lex Behind

10 weeks now, 10 weeks. I'm still eating and breathing and so much more. We all are moving forward but, we are moving further and further away from Lex. In only 10 weeks we have already seen and done things that Lex will never get to experience that she will never ever see. Rick and I went on a cruise and it was beautiful, we sunned, ate and were entertained for a week - she doesn't know. Dani went to Dallas with her girlfriends, but she couldn't share her trip with her sister. We bought a puppy, we now have this lively adorable little creature running around our house giving us licks and love and keeping us very, very busy, but, Alexis will never get to know this dog.
I hope Lex doesn't mind that we named the puppy, 'Turtle' her nickname from the Israeli doctors and her boyfriend. The name makes me feel as if she is sharing this joyful experience with us.
The more we do the greater the distance we put between ourselves and Alexis. I hate this, it worries me I never want to forget her, my memories are all I have, she isn't participating in our lives anymore, she is no longer creating new memories. I feel as if we are leaving her behind, but, at least we are starting to move forward.

Heaven?

I've been thinking about heaven lately. I want to imagine that such a place really exists. That when we die we don't just go back to the earth,'dust to dust'. Is there an after life? I'm very cynical regarding this theory. I have said for a long time,'dead is dead'. When we die there is simply, 'nothing'. It would be nice to know that Lex was somewhere wonderful, that she is happy, not in pain and no longer afraid, it definitely would help me to know she still existed on some metaphysical level. Then, I wouldn't have to think about the completeness of her death, the finality of it. Alexis and I were as close as a mother and daughter could be, we spent a lot of time together especially the last year, part of me hoped that this closeness would afford me the ability to sense her, but, I don't feel her I don't even dream about her. Sometimes I stand in the middle of her room with my eyes closed trying to feel her and all I get is... nothing. I was told by a friend that after someone dies it takes a few months for them to acclimate to their new surroundings and once they have, you will dream about them. I don't know about this, what do you think? I also wonder about all those who have passed before, so many great minds, scientists and artists, I think about the waste that their deaths are. Where do all their thoughts and ideas go after they have died?
I have developed my own theory, if heaven really does exist then, I think it must be an amazing place, so beautiful, so incredible that if we knew of it we would all try to get in. No one would bother to get cured from illnesses because dieing would lead to the most wonderful after-life, no one would want to stay alive. Could this be the reason why it's so hard for our loved ones to contact us after they've died, because they might accidentally give us too much information about heaven? Is it also why if they do manage to reach us their messages are so cryptic?
I like this idea, it ties everything up in a nice little bow, answers all my questions and allows me to fantasize about Lex going on, unfortunalty, that's all I can do, pretend and hope that an afterlife really does exist then it would be all worth it.

Getting Through Another Week

I got through another week. I've been out for lunch, coffee or dinner each day. This is both good and bad! Good because I am being kept busy by an army of loving friends who understand my need to be distracted. Bad, because I have put on 5lbs in the last month. I'm trying to exercise but am really not motivated, even an upcoming cruise isn't enough of an incentive for me, so, I bought a new bathing suit in a larger size and have lots of baggy tee shirts to hide in. I'm all about comfort, loose, soft and forgiving clothes are what I'm packing. This trip isn't about glamour it's about peace, Rick and I are hoping to relax, and regroup. We both desperately need this vacation, to feel the warm sun on our faces, to be fed, entertained and not have to think about anything for an entire week.
I realize that eventually I must go on. After so many years of working my life around Lex's, I suddenly find myself free to make changes. Going back to the old routine is painful for me, every choice we made was made with Lex in mind, where I worked, the kind of vacations we took, how we lived and even, where we live. Now sadly, I am free to broaden my horizons. But while all this is true I am also stuck, moving on takes energy and desire, of which I have neither. The old routine while painfully full of reminders is also safe and sure. So, I'll heed the advice given by many of you, 'Lyat Lyat', slowly slowly and hopefully, in time will be ready to explore the options that life presents. For now, I won't think to far ahead, even packing for our vacation feels overwhelming and, it occurs to me that I'm not ready to make any life changing decisions yet. I'll take baby steps, exercise a little, paint a little, and try be open to whatever comes my way. Waiting for the day when I'll be ready to move forward and embrace what life has to offer.

Healing

We have continued to attend Shul on the weekends, we like it, it's comforting and we've made friends there. The 1st Saturday we were at Shul I was invited to go for 'coffee' midway through the service. Frances, Brenda and I went down a hallway through some doors to a little table that had a coffee urn and some honey cakes on it, we stood around talking and sipping our coffee for about 1/2 an hour, a thoroughly enjoyable break, I now do this every Saturday. I feel as if I've joined a secret club. Today Rick and I went for lunch after Shul there were 9 of us. Brenda mentioned that they all met saying Kaddish for a loved one and have just carried on, becoming friends, I like this too!

The next step in our 'healing' is to buy a puppy, we need to breathe some fresh air into our home. We already have a dog, Dodger, whom Lex adored, but at 17 years old he is blind, deaf and has a bad heart, we know he's living on borrowed time. Alexis's biggest fear was that Dodger would not be alive when she returned home, we never thought it would be the other way around. So, we are buying a puppy and already have a name picked out, Turtle, pronounced Tuuurtle. Why Tuuurtle? Because that was Lex's nickname for the past year. Her boyfriend started calling her Tzav which is Turtle in Hebrew and strangely, her doctor in Israel started calling her Tuuurtle with his thick Israeli accent almost immediately, we never new why. All I know is that whenever I call 'Tuuurtle come' it will make me smile, it will make all of us smile.

The First Time Without Her

Today began with a trip to the cemetery, the first time I've gone since the funeral. The snow was pure white and deep, we carefully placed two stones on her grave stood there for a few minutes, staring and then, left. Later we went to the wedding of Lex's 1st cousin, we only went to the ceremony I didn't have the heart to go to the party, my niece made a beautiful bride the setting was lovely everyone so happy. Lex would have loved that wedding, dressing up, dancing, open bar, dessert table, seeing her cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents, she loved simchas. We would have been in the pictures, joined in the horas and had a wonderful time. Am I bitter, yes, what happened to my family is wrong, it's unfair, instead of making a funeral I should have been planning a wedding or at least watching my daughter planning her own future. But, it wasn't to be, and now I'm left to pick up the pieces of our lives and try to go on without her. We all feel it, Dani's quiet sadness, Rick, a father's heartbreak, and me, the emptiness swirls around inside me so profound I don't have words to describe it. And so we watched the wedding and tried not to feel anything and mostly tried not to cry, instead we smiled and chatted and put on brave faces, we were gracious when people gave us their condolences and we wished everyone Mazel Tov, then, after the ceremony was over we quietly left, taking our sadness with us, while the rest of our family rejoiced at the marriage of a beautiful young couple with a bright future we mourned the end of a young life that held so much promise.

Missing Her More and More

Shloshim, the 30 days of mourning has ended. Now we are supposed to begin the business of getting on with our lives, easier said than done. Instead of getting easier this is getting harder, it seems to be out of order. Now when I think about her not only does my stomach hurt I feel nauseous as well, I never felt nauseous before. My mind is having a tough time with the finality, the realization that, her life is over, while our lives go on. Habits are the worst, patterns so entrenched and repeated for years like, preparing dinners, doing laundry or simply hearing her come home, opening the front door after a night out with friends.

Lex often helped me with the cooking, she'd chop and saute, experiment with different sauces and BBQ, she loved to BBQ, we enjoyed cooking together and I was thrilled to spend this time with her, it was special. Making dinner is achingly lonely for me now, I no longer have my assistant chef sitting beside me wanting to add exotic mushrooms to every dish. Then, as I was doing the laundry I realized there are a lot less clothes to wash, no sorted piles all over the laundry room floor sitting there for days, annoying me. As cliche as it sounds I would love to be annoyed right now. When the front door opens I think "oh Lex is home" and then I remember, no Lex, never ever Lex anymore and I feel confused, surprised and nauseous. I suspect that this is just the beginning, officially the period of mourning is over but now, the real grieving begins because this is forever, Lex isn't magically going to return to us, and accepting this cold fact is how we will all be able to go on.

Emotions

I realized recently that I have been trying to 'get through' each day, I do this by avoiding....everything and anything emotional. If I robotically go through the day then I won't feel anything, right? WRONG! No matter how hard I try it seems my emotions break out. So instead, there is this enormous build-up and then suddenly my feelings escape. This escape is akin to a sizable volcanic eruption, one that I have not had a chance to prepare for and have no control over. After, I feel paralyzed, weak, unable to function. But then as if the pressure has been released I feel....lighter. I have been told that with time we will learn to live with this deep sadness, I hope so, Lex would be very annoyed with me if I didn't get my act together. There were times when we got bad news from the doctors and she would look into my eyes and say 'don't cry mom' and with great effort I would manage to control myself. Now she's not here I find I have lost that strength and the tears roll uncontrolled.

Halavah Cakes

Our dear friends and family have blanketed us with love and support. I know they are concerned, but, we will get through this and carry on with our lives. One of the reasons we'll be successful is because of the support we've received from so many. This blog has surprised me, I write it because it's cathartic, putting my thoughts down helps me understand what I'm feeling, but now, I'm also writing because of the overwhelming response I've received. So many of you, complete strangers have felt compelled to send me messages on Facebook sharing your own stories of loss offering advise and support, letting me know that we are not alone. There is a poignant beauty to these messages their undertone of sadness with their offer of healing and I am listening.

Surprisingly, in spite of everything, we can still enjoy and appreciate the efforts of the people around us. While in Israel Lex and I discovered a cake, a Bubkah baked with chocolate and halavah and it quickly became a favorite of ours. Alana our wonderful cousin, wanted to visit us in Tel Aviv, so, she arranged to lead a Birthright Trip to Israel, when Lex died, she was already enroute, unable to replace herself. Her sister Elise knew we loved the halavah cakes from the Brasserie Restaurant/Bakery so they conspired to bring a few home. They purchased 20 cakes and each one was carried by a young adult from the trip. I have this image in my mind of these cakes being taken through customs and I can't help smiling at the thought. Sometimes it's the little things that have the biggest impact a beautiful gesture, transporting 20 cakes 5800 miles to my front door, teaches me that in spite of my grief I can still smile, a first step towards healing.

Triggers

I'm beginning to venture out more now. Lunch with friends, grocery shopping, errands. Leaving the safety of my home is tricky, while being at home is difficult because of all the memories my daily routines keep me busy and I feel safe there, it's when I go out that stirs up my emotions. I leave the radio off when I drive, every song seems to be about loss, the lyrics bring tears to my eyes as I relate my loss to the story of the song. At the grocery store I walk up and down the aisles picking up items we need, I see cereal 'oh I think Lex will want that'....or fruit she was a big fruit eater, mushrooms she loved mushrooms every type, sauces she was always looking for different sauces to experiment with. I drive down the street and I see where she used to work, and it goes on and on, so many triggers. I am only now beginning to realize what a huge part of my life she was/is, as much as she needed me I also needed her, we spent a great deal of time together over the last 6 1/2 years but although there were a lot of medical appointments we also explored the city together, went out for lunches, shopped, wandered along Queen St. or Eglinton Ave. discovering cafes or interesting boutiques, now, when I see these places I feel such a loss, I have not only lost a daughter I've lost a friend, someone I'd bounce ideas off of, someone who pushed me to try new things, someone I loved spending time with, someone irreplaceable.

Silence

Noise everywhere, T.V.'s on, phones are ringing, furnace is humming, people are talking, the dog is barking and all I hear is the silence. I feel sad today and yet I enjoyed breakfast with my wonderful friend Sandy and later coffee with Janice and Donna who both had me laughing with their stories, I worked on a painting cooked dinner and went to Shul. It really was a good day, but all I can feel is this.....silence. Behind all the noise and activity there is a voice that is missing, a voice that would join in the discussion about planning dinner or needing the car, a voice that would be laughing at something her friends said or would be organizing everyone's weekend. It is this voice that's missing that is now silent, it is this voice that I am listening for, that I can no longer hear, it is this voice that I miss. Sometimes during a conversation I find myself drifting, a random memory will unexpectedly creep up on me, they completely distract me, everyone will be talking and I can't hear them I'm lost in thought and silent listening for her voice trying to hear her.

What Would Lex Do? (WWLD)

We have a new phrase in our house 'What Would Lex Do?' When I don't feel like eating I ask myself WWLD? If I don't feel like getting dressed or going out I ask WWLD? Ricks birthday is today, a tough one, so I asked myself WWLD? The answer to this question is always push, the easy route would be to wallow, stay home maybe not get dressed mope around allow this incredible sadness and pain to eat at us until we could not function at all, but, WWLD? So we eat, get dressed, go out, and we will celebrate Rick's birthday with close family and cherished friends, I think Lex would approve. I do not want to dishonour Lex's memory by ignoring the example that she set, that we set for each other. Lex continued to find enjoyment to take pleasure from her life everyday, the smallest things could put a smile on her face, sharing with friends on skype or facebook, an 'Iced Aroma Lite', a good movie, a cup of 'Read my Lips' herbel tea, a 'pass and play' game of scrabble with me which she always won, or a crazy wild storm outside her window. Lex pushed hard, and by pushing she lived well. So we will use her example, her legacy and push through the pain, push hard, because that's what Lex would want us to do, that's what Lex would do.

Trying to be Invisible

Lex was a very special girl, she was 'lit from within' there was a special glow about her. Her smile could light up a room and her upbeat personality was always in demand, people liked her. In school Lex was a good student but I used to say that if grades were given out for social skills Lex would have gotten an A++. During the 6 1/2 years she was sick she managed to accomplish alot getting her Human Resources degree, travelling extensively, working. She also had some very special relationships, her life was full, happy, bright. She pushed cancer into the background and living into the foreground and managed to convince everyone around her that she was a normal healthy young woman, who sometimes needed chemotherapy, or medical care for some side effect caused by the drugs. Cancer was an inconvenience to her and that's how she treated it, in fact most of her friends will tell you that they almost forgot that she had cancer at all, even when she was in hospital the atmosphere in her room was always upbeat and positive, with everyone waiting for this silly little illness to go away so she could get on with her life. When she died the shock-wave was palpable no one and I mean no one ever thought she would die, she had us all convinced that if anyone could beat it she could, and sadly she almost did because in the end there was no cancer anymore just a damaged liver.

Tomorrow is 2 weeks, 2 weeks! Where is the time going? Today I got dressed and put on make-up for the first time since she died. Dani, Elise and I went to Vaughan Mills to wander around for a couple of hours it was the perfect choice because it's so quiet there and no one knew us. I find myself avoiding all my usual haunts I don't want to run into anyone I know, I don't want people I don't know to recognise me I'm not ready, not yet. My hairdresser, my gym, my butcher, my manicurist, I'm avoiding them all, I'm worried about being bombarded with questions I don't want to answer, worried about the emotions I won't be able to control. I don't want to talk at all, I don't want to be noticed, I want to be invisible, so I'll be shopping, dining and running errands anonymously at the other end of the city for the next while, until I'm ready.

Trying to Find Solid Ground after Lex's Shiva

Tomorrow we get up from Shiva. Then it will be Monday, I'm dreading Monday, I'm scared. I know that our family and friends will try to comfort us a little longer but eventually everyone gets on with their lives and then we will be alone. That's when the thinking and remembering will start in earnest and so I'm scared, I'm scared of the depth of grieving I know I haven't even scratched the surface. I'm haunted by the memories of Lex's last days little things like not eating, nose bleeds, the feeling of no control over her body I wonder did she know? Somehow sense what we now realize was happening? There was a nightmare 3 days before she died when I asked her if she wanted to talk about it all she would say was, 'I had a nightmare about...well, you know' I didn't push her, should I have? I know that Lex would have talked about it if she had wanted to, she didn't want to. I promised her we would live our lives well, but, how do you do that? Wherever I turn I'm confronted by reminders of what we have lost, Lex lived large she is everywhere. I really don't feel like I'm on solid ground my world has shifted and I feel lost and unsure of how to find my way home somebody give me a pair of ruby slippers so I can click my heals together I want to go home.

Life Goes On-Lyat Lyat

There is so much to say, so much has happened, so much. I find that by writing I am able to organize my thoughts and it helps me make sense out of all this. Whether you read or not is not important, this is for me, it helps. The passing of my beautiful daughter last week has left a hole so huge we will never be able to fill it up. But her legacy, her legacy is beyond my wildest imaginings I feel as though the entire community is in mourning with us, she truly became a child of the city. By living in Israel we were isolated from the goings-ons in Toronto and of course my focus was on Lex we would hear inklings but because we were so far away they really didn't resonate. So all this attention is quite startling and humbling. We are not an attention seeking people, my husband, daughter and I lead-led quiet lives, Lex's illness forced us to seek the communities help in a manner totally alien to us. We are an ordinary family who did an extraordinary thing so extraordinary that I have trouble realizing all that transpired. But I do know that Alexis was given a gift. Because of the help we received Lex was able to live out a little fantasy she pushed the reason for our going to Israel to the background and pretended that this was an adventure, we both felt a little like Mary Tyler Moore throwing up her hat in Minniapolis excited about what the future held, as you know this would not have been possible in Toronto. So as painful as all this is my last memories of my daughter will always be her delight at living in our little apartment on Arlozorov, trying to learn hebrew, smiling and laughing with her friends and for that I will always be grateful.