Shloshim, the 30 days of mourning has ended. Now we are supposed to begin the business of getting on with our lives, easier said than done. Instead of getting easier this is getting harder, it seems to be out of order. Now when I think about her not only does my stomach hurt I feel nauseous as well, I never felt nauseous before. My mind is having a tough time with the finality, the realization that, her life is over, while our lives go on. Habits are the worst, patterns so entrenched and repeated for years like, preparing dinners, doing laundry or simply hearing her come home, opening the front door after a night out with friends.
Lex often helped me with the cooking, she'd chop and saute, experiment with different sauces and BBQ, she loved to BBQ, we enjoyed cooking together and I was thrilled to spend this time with her, it was special. Making dinner is achingly lonely for me now, I no longer have my assistant chef sitting beside me wanting to add exotic mushrooms to every dish. Then, as I was doing the laundry I realized there are a lot less clothes to wash, no sorted piles all over the laundry room floor sitting there for days, annoying me. As cliche as it sounds I would love to be annoyed right now. When the front door opens I think "oh Lex is home" and then I remember, no Lex, never ever Lex anymore and I feel confused, surprised and nauseous. I suspect that this is just the beginning, officially the period of mourning is over but now, the real grieving begins because this is forever, Lex isn't magically going to return to us, and accepting this cold fact is how we will all be able to go on.
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