Triggers

I'm beginning to venture out more now. Lunch with friends, grocery shopping, errands. Leaving the safety of my home is tricky, while being at home is difficult because of all the memories my daily routines keep me busy and I feel safe there, it's when I go out that stirs up my emotions. I leave the radio off when I drive, every song seems to be about loss, the lyrics bring tears to my eyes as I relate my loss to the story of the song. At the grocery store I walk up and down the aisles picking up items we need, I see cereal 'oh I think Lex will want that'....or fruit she was a big fruit eater, mushrooms she loved mushrooms every type, sauces she was always looking for different sauces to experiment with. I drive down the street and I see where she used to work, and it goes on and on, so many triggers. I am only now beginning to realize what a huge part of my life she was/is, as much as she needed me I also needed her, we spent a great deal of time together over the last 6 1/2 years but although there were a lot of medical appointments we also explored the city together, went out for lunches, shopped, wandered along Queen St. or Eglinton Ave. discovering cafes or interesting boutiques, now, when I see these places I feel such a loss, I have not only lost a daughter I've lost a friend, someone I'd bounce ideas off of, someone who pushed me to try new things, someone I loved spending time with, someone irreplaceable.