Emotions

I realized recently that I have been trying to 'get through' each day, I do this by avoiding....everything and anything emotional. If I robotically go through the day then I won't feel anything, right? WRONG! No matter how hard I try it seems my emotions break out. So instead, there is this enormous build-up and then suddenly my feelings escape. This escape is akin to a sizable volcanic eruption, one that I have not had a chance to prepare for and have no control over. After, I feel paralyzed, weak, unable to function. But then as if the pressure has been released I feel....lighter. I have been told that with time we will learn to live with this deep sadness, I hope so, Lex would be very annoyed with me if I didn't get my act together. There were times when we got bad news from the doctors and she would look into my eyes and say 'don't cry mom' and with great effort I would manage to control myself. Now she's not here I find I have lost that strength and the tears roll uncontrolled.