Trying to Find Solid Ground after Lex's Shiva

Tomorrow we get up from Shiva. Then it will be Monday, I'm dreading Monday, I'm scared. I know that our family and friends will try to comfort us a little longer but eventually everyone gets on with their lives and then we will be alone. That's when the thinking and remembering will start in earnest and so I'm scared, I'm scared of the depth of grieving I know I haven't even scratched the surface. I'm haunted by the memories of Lex's last days little things like not eating, nose bleeds, the feeling of no control over her body I wonder did she know? Somehow sense what we now realize was happening? There was a nightmare 3 days before she died when I asked her if she wanted to talk about it all she would say was, 'I had a nightmare about...well, you know' I didn't push her, should I have? I know that Lex would have talked about it if she had wanted to, she didn't want to. I promised her we would live our lives well, but, how do you do that? Wherever I turn I'm confronted by reminders of what we have lost, Lex lived large she is everywhere. I really don't feel like I'm on solid ground my world has shifted and I feel lost and unsure of how to find my way home somebody give me a pair of ruby slippers so I can click my heals together I want to go home.