The First Time Without Her

Today began with a trip to the cemetery, the first time I've gone since the funeral. The snow was pure white and deep, we carefully placed two stones on her grave stood there for a few minutes, staring and then, left. Later we went to the wedding of Lex's 1st cousin, we only went to the ceremony I didn't have the heart to go to the party, my niece made a beautiful bride the setting was lovely everyone so happy. Lex would have loved that wedding, dressing up, dancing, open bar, dessert table, seeing her cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents, she loved simchas. We would have been in the pictures, joined in the horas and had a wonderful time. Am I bitter, yes, what happened to my family is wrong, it's unfair, instead of making a funeral I should have been planning a wedding or at least watching my daughter planning her own future. But, it wasn't to be, and now I'm left to pick up the pieces of our lives and try to go on without her. We all feel it, Dani's quiet sadness, Rick, a father's heartbreak, and me, the emptiness swirls around inside me so profound I don't have words to describe it. And so we watched the wedding and tried not to feel anything and mostly tried not to cry, instead we smiled and chatted and put on brave faces, we were gracious when people gave us their condolences and we wished everyone Mazel Tov, then, after the ceremony was over we quietly left, taking our sadness with us, while the rest of our family rejoiced at the marriage of a beautiful young couple with a bright future we mourned the end of a young life that held so much promise.