The Dream

Am I depressed or just sad, and what is the difference? I feel confused. This death thing is nasty. It muddles you, it makes you feel really bad and it never lets up. When I look at photos of my daughter I feel a 'disconnect' how could someone so totally alive, now be so totally dead? I mean just look at her in the photo, it was only taken 7 short months ago. A radiant girl laughing into the camera, then I equate this photo with what I know, that only a few months later she, ceased to be. What happened? Sometimes I almost feel like I made her up....maybe she never existed at all. It would be easier to believe this, then I wouldn't feel this sense of incredible loss.
This week I found myself thinking 'OK Lex, you've been dead long enough, it's time to come home'. But of course, the reality is that she will never return home and we must learn to understand and accept this. So I return to the question, am I depressed or sad? I believe a little of both. But, I am also working very hard to get on with my life and have begun to think about returning to my old routines, my gym, my painting classes and finding a job. One of the things that is helping me get back on track is 'the dream'. Yes, I dreamt about Lex.
In the dream, I am busy getting dinner ready for us and for Lex's grandparents. My home is bathed in the soft golden light of dusk. Lex appears in my dream with 2 new friends whom I didn't know and she is dressed in new clothes. I speak to her, I tell her that she looks really good, she has gained weight and her hair is back in that cute pixie cut. She nods in agreement. I don't hug her or kiss her, I just gaze at her, she doesn't speak or smile. She looks serious, as if she is checking to see that we are ok, Lex's only worry when she was alive was how her family would be if she didn't survive and that's the impression I get of her, in the dream, it feels as if she is making sure we are all ok. I also feel that she is memorizing the moment, and, that's it. I believe she came to me to show me that she was fine, had made new friends, had new clothes and looked healthy. That she was moving on, so to speak and now, so must we.