Me

I thought I'd write about me. But what is there to actually say? My whole identity has been so wrapped up in Alexis these past 7 years that I think I may have disappeared a little, this is of course, understandable when you have an ill child. So much of our hopes and dreams are wrapped up in our children's lives, caring for them, guiding them, sharing their happiness and their pain. Being a parent involves suppressing your own life and focusing on your child's, at least that's what we did and do. When Lex got sick we went into overdrive and stayed there for 7 years. Dealing with the doctors, the pills, the side effects, the hospital appointments, infections, running to emergency, being afraid all the time, or celebrating really hard when things went well. Attempting to provide as 'normal' an environment as possible for all of us to live in took all our time and energy and the routines we developed began to feel normal for us. Our world became very small, what we did depended on how Lex was feeling at the time. We didn't really travel because we never wanted to be too far away from her and we never would make plans too far in advance, just in case. We tried to provide Lex with anything and everything she desired - and probably over-compensated for her illness. But, in the process of trying to care for Lex we suppressed us, I suppressed me. Gradually, we are beginning to understand that we no longer have to live like this, it's hard. Our routines were so entrenched that they felt normal. But we weren't normal, not even close and we're still not normal, whatever that means, how can we be? What has happened is I've not only lost my wonderful daughter I've lost my purpose and my focus and I think my identity. Alexis's needs were so great, but now she doesn't need me anymore and I am free to explore new options and yet this doesn't feel normal or good to me, it feels strange and I feel empty.