The Medium and the Message

During the past 10 months I have experienced a wide array of feelings. We've felt deep despair, the likes of which I wasn't sure I would ever recover from. There has been numbness, when you are not able to feel any emotion at all and I found myself faking what I think were accurate responses. Then there has been joy, yes I said joy, at the most unexpected moments, such as when my little dog jumps on my lap and licks me with such enthusiasm that I have to smile, simple pleasures. We are slowly evolving, changing from a family of 4 to a family of 3. 3 place settings at the dinner table, 3 tickets to the movies, 3 dentist appointments. It's an adjustment and sometimes it feels....lonely and too quiet. I think we are doing well, I think Alexis would be proud of us, but this adjustment takes work, it requires me to be aware of my families needs so I guess I'm still doing, IT, except the requirements are different now. Before IT was all about keeping my family whole and positive at a time when we were falling apart and facing the worst possible news. Now, IT requires attempting to keep myself and my family whole and positive in spite of all that has happened. We participated in grievance counselling where we sat around a table with 11 other bereaved parents and listened to their heartbreaking stories, a format that may work for some but did not provide us with the comfort nor the coping skills we were seeking. Instead I found myself wanting to heal everyone in the group, and being impatient when I couldn't. How we came to be in a grievance group at all, is interesting, 3 completely unrelated people all recommended it to us, all 3 recommending the same grief counsellor, when this happened I felt like we were being 'directed' to this group so we attended it. Through the group we learned of a book called 'Repairing Rainbows' I read the book, a story about death and triumph with a message we also have embraced, to 'choose happiness' this book mentioned a successful visit to a 'Medium' named Sandy. Interesting I thought. Then once again 3 unrelated people also told me about a Medium named Sandy and I discovered that this Sandy had written a book called 'My Gift of Light', which I also read. Now before you discount me let me say that I have never really considered the validity of an 'afterlife', in fact I'm pretty cynical about it 'dead is dead'. But lately there have been 'things' I am unable to explain with logic, vivid dreams, coincidences and of course the strong feelings that led me to both the Grievance Counselor and then to the Medium. I need to qualify this by saying these are not the desperate needs of a pathetically sad mother instead I feel a curiosity, and am aware that there are 'coincidences that I am unable to explain away, So I decided to contact 'Sandy'.

We had our 'reading' a few weeks ago, we went with cynicism, afraid to hope. Is this real? Could it possibly be real? I askd my husband who, as an accountant is very skeptical, to join us because if there is something to this 'you'll be sorry you missed it and if there isn't, well, its a pleasant drive to Georgetown'. It's taken me almost 2 weeks to process the reading, Sandy gave us a tape and I've listened to it 5 times with other family and friends everyone is in agreement she definitely told us things that were both accurate and impossible for her to know. Lex came through 'loud and clear'. The impression I got was that Lex is healthy, happy, and very social. She is surrounded by extended family and is with her '2 coloured dog' who passed last summer, she runs with him. She is a very bright light in this 'other realm' and eager to 'talk' to us through the Medium, her message was that she is fine now, no longer sick, or in pain and as the Medium said is grieving for us because we are grieving for her.

So, was I somehow directed to this Medium? is Lex responsible for the 'odd' things occurring in my home, or is it just wishful thinking? I'm convinced that this can't be explained away, that our societies stance on the subject of the afterlife is perhaps too black and white. It is comforting to think that our loved ones who have passed still exist on another level, it is also comforting to think that once we die we will go on and one day be with our loved ones again.
In my opinion there is no harm in hoping that this is real and I think that HOPE is the ultimate result of my quest. Why is hope so important? I know that the night Lex died my hope died with her, that's when the numbness took over. As long as we felt 'hope' we were fine, we believed, when it was gone it felt like withdrawal as if we were addicted to a drug that had been taken away. The emptiness was painful, we felt purposeless, It was as if a limb had been amputated I kept trying to use it, feel it, but it was no longer there. Now after this visit to the Medium I'm not sure what I believe, but maybe I'm looking at it from the wrong direction maybe I should be saying why not believe?