An Incredible Gift

Today we had a visit from Lex's friend Shayna her husband and their beautiful daughter. They were  visiting family for Chanukah and made sure to make time for us. I really enjoyed seeing them and am very pleased that they are staying in touch with us, once again I am reminded of what wonderful friends Lex had. Seeing this beautiful family would have been enough but they also brought us an incredible gift. Shayna told me of a visit she made to a psychic medium and she shared a powerful message with me. Before my visit  to a medium last summer I asked Lex to give me a sign to validate that this was real,  I asked that 1 of 3 things be mentioned, the painted stones that we placed on her monument, Turtles or acknowledgement that I am using her beautiful doodles in my paintings. None of these came up in our first reading, however, in the second reading the medium said 'your daughter is holding a Turtle, does that mean anything to you?'  Then recently when I received Alexis's hug that medium also told me that Lex liked the coloured stones on her monument and now, today..... today, Shayna said that in her visit with the medium she was told  that someone very close to Lex is using her 'doodles' in their paintings.  Each one of my requests has now been addressed, 100% validation.  I am convinced without a doubt that this is real,  interesting that each validation came from a different medium also interesting that none were duplicated, each medium relayed a different message. Alexis has worked very hard to let us know that she is near us and ok, she always worried  how we would be without her, I hope she sees how hard we are trying. I miss her very much but am comforted that although she is out of reach she is still very much around, maybe closer than we think. Each day I put a smile on my face and go about my business and when someone asks 'how many children do you have'? I always answer 2 but, one has passed, I cannot and will not deny her existance. This last message through Shayna's medium sealed the deal for me, Lex still exists somewhere, she once lived in this world and now inhabits another but is still an extremely important member of our family who influences our choices on a daily basis. This doesn't get easier, we just get better at handling it and as we approach the 2nd anniversary of her passing I hope she is as proud of us as we are of her.

A Message from Alexis

Its taken me a couple of weeks to process this, I've documented many unusual occurances in this blog, dreams, visits to mediums but this was something very special. A couple of weeks ago the sadness that I always feel but am able to live with became overwhelming. On my mind was the worry that I hadn't hugged Alexis enough, I was so concerned with her care while she was ill, did she eat, sleep, was she too warm, too cold, was she depressed, was their anything else I could do to help her? Now I find myself worrying, did I hug her enough? I just don't remember. This has been weighing on me heavily and it makes me feel very sad, was my caring for her too focused on her physical health? Two weeks ago I had a particularly bad weekend, my head ached and my chest felt like it was being squeezed, I was taking advils but they barely helped. Suddenly a friend called me with a very strange request, she asked if I could phone her friend, a psychic medium because this medium had been receiving messages from Alexis and Alexis wouldn't leave her until she had delivered these messages to me. Of course, I was sceptical but I did call her. The medium told me she sensed termendous love from Lex and then she said that Alexis was hugging me and had been hugging me all weekend long. Now I understand what I had been feeling, it was Lex hugging me, trying to reassure me. The minute that I received Lex's message the squeezing feeling in my chest and the headache subsided and I felt lighter and happier. Alexis made me feel better and by hugging me she was telling me to stop worrying and I realize what I needed to remember, that I showed my love for Lex in many, many ways maybe, I hugged her enough after all. Thank you Lex, I love you and I loved your message.

Just Another Ordinary Day

We are approaching Alexis's 29th birthday, her 2nd birthday without us. Once again we have asked our friends and close family to be with us on this day. 22 friends, aunts, uncles and cousins will meet us at a restaurant favoured by Lex, I never want to be alone on her birthday. I still count the days and months without her, 1 1/2 years now, her bedroom sits with most of her stuff untouched. We have only now begun the process of giving away certain items, a headboard an end table, the bed but the room still has her personality, eventually I will clear it out...I suppose, I really feel no urgency to do so. This summer has been a good one, peaceful and without stress and I am very grateful for this. I spend a lot of time with Dani and its good. The simplicity of our lives is in direct contrast to what was before and it is bittersweet for me. Sitting in my garden reading a book or going out with friends are simple pleasures that I appreciate, but even though we are living 'normally' I greatly and perhaps selfishly miss you Lex. It does seem that a lot of the decisions we make are with Alexis in mind, to go on a special trip as we did in June, to visit a Medium, yes, I said Medium, which we did this week, to get a new tattoo yes, I said tattoo which her sister wants, to go to Mount Tremblant. Even though she is no longer with us what we do seems to be dictated by her. This week we went back to the medium for a second reading, I have to say that if I had any doubts before about an afterlife they were obliterated by this visit. Sandy the medium told us how excited Lex was about her dear friends pregnancy, she told us the sex of the baby, knew her due date and mentioned her 4 year old son. Then she talked about our recent trip to the UK, she said that there were not 3 of us on that trip but 4. She mentioned Lex's birthday, talked about our black and white dog who had passed and was now with Lex, brought up our tan coloured dog saying that Lex plays with her and finally asked us if we had a pet Turtle.......no, but we do have a dog named TURTLE!!! That reading was an hour long and full of imformation that soothed us, startled us and made us cry. After the reading we visited Lex at the cemetary and then in the late afternoon Dani and I went downtown to a Tattoo parlor for a consult. Just another ordinary day in my household. If you had told me 2 years ago that I would spend a day like this I probably would have laughed, incredulous but, here I am not even phased by it. How my life has changed in both subtle and obvious ways amazes me and its all because of Lex, here or not, her influence over us is both profound and wondrous.

I recently attended a fundraiser for a 22 year old girl named Courtney. She was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma 2 1/2 years ago. Her doctors were fairly optimistic upon diagnosis stating that there was a 95% cure rate for this cancer, unfortunately Courtney fell into the 5% that don't respond to the drug protocol. So 2 1/2 years later after exhausting all that Canada has to offer medically her doctors told her "sorry, we've done all we can for you." Not the words a vibrant, beautiful 22 year old and her family want to hear. What do those words actually mean? They mean, that all we can offer you now is pallative care, a death sentence, no hope, only the horrible reality that you will have to watch your child die, and the additional knowledge that they know they are dying, is there anything worse? This is what we also faced but, after exploring other avenues we discovered that there are legitimate trials and alternative treatments available worldwide. Deciding to go to Israel was easy, it gave us a purpose, it also gave us back our hope because we all believed that Lex would be cured. The only thing in the way of receiving treatment was money, Lex's 'cure' had a hefty price tag attached to it, $300,000. We appealed to our community and city at large and 1 week later through the generosity of many, we arrived in Israel. It still stuns me how quickly we raised that money. How many people wanted to help us, how many people cared. This wonderful community that I am priviledged to live in was there for us in our time of need. Courtney's treatment will cost $600,000, twice as much as Lex, a daunting amount of money, a number that panicked her parents when they realized that it was her only chance for survival. But because of the support and concern of many, many people, most of them strangers Courtney is well on her way to achieving her goal, and god willing a cure. People helping people! My eyes are now open and I will always try to participate, donate and help each time this type of situation arises. I am grateful and humbled by the thousands of people who unselfishly tried to help us and are now helping Courtney, as difficult as it is to be on the receiving end it is also so inspiring to know that 'we' have the ability to create a ground swell of support for someone in need and that's a beautiful thing. To donate to Courtney: courtney.render@mail.mcgill.ca security question: Courtneys favorite colour answer: Purple Or phone Scotiabank 416 590 7488 RBC 1 800 769 2555 CIBC 1888 872 2422 Thank you for your support

One Year Later

Its funny but for the first time I really can't think of anything to write. Maybe its because there is so much to say it's hard to pick one topic, or maybe I've covered all the topics related to Lex already. Or, that even though we have been through so much we are still not safe from the world no matter how much I try to write, rationalize, theorize and philosophize. You'd think that because of the tragedy of Lex's death we would be given a pass on any more drama but apparently that's not the case. I once asked a Rabbi if its true that god only gives you as much as you can handle? and, he said...no.
In 2011 we suffered and survived the loss of my precious Alexis, the closing of my husbands company a family rift and a member of our community who spread ugly rumours, this past year has been....challenging. Would I be justified in feeling hopeless and depressed? I think I would. But of course you would say, hasn't there been so much good too? And, you would be right. When I think about all the support we have received and continue to receive from our wonderful friends and family, when I think about how much we are loved, when I think about Danielle my incredible daughter, and Rick who has become my rock I feel such pride.

This is a story of love, resilience, strength and determination.
Dec. 29 marks the anniversary of Lexs death, this past month has been so hard. I felt as if I was re walking the final days of her life, memories would pop unsolicited into my head some good...most bad, the ache in my heart is constant her absence from my world to big for words. We marked this sad anniversary by sharing it with family and friends, we chose a restaurant that Lex discovered (Asian of course) and over 20 of us broke bread, or should I say Sushi together and when I looked around the room I knew that Alexis was smiling, seeing everyone she loved together. Although Lex is our common bond I believe that our relationship with these people now transcends her, the closeness I feel to all of them is heartwarming and life long.

We survived 2011 and grew stronger, Rick found solace in charity work organizing a team for Road Hockey to Conquer Cancer, working with Shari's Mission at swabbing events to build up the stem cell transplant bank, and volunteering with our synagogue. When he didn't think he could survive the death of his beloved child he discovered love, resilience, strength and determination.

Dani graduated with honours found a job and has begun to live her life as an adult. I know she misses her big sister all the time, misses hair and make-up advice, misses having someone to vent to about her parents, misses the companionship and misses the old family dynamic. But with the love and support of her incredible friends and family she is blossoming into a wonderful compassionate young woman with a future full of promise.

I've been on a voyage of self discovery my passion for painting has only grown to the point that I am beginning to think of myself as an artist, alongside my family and friends it is the painting that has helped me the most. I have poured myself onto the canvas painting blurry images of otherworldly dancers, paintings not depressing but vibrant full of colour....full of hope. My imagination will not allow me to paint Lex anywhere that is not beautiful and full of light. These images sustain me and sometimes I feel that I am not painting alone.

We have walked through the fire and although we were terribly burned we are healing, a tough new layer of skin has grown covering the burns, enabling us to look at the world bravely, confidant that with love, resiliance, strength and determination we will carry on without our beloved Alexis.

I guess I had plenty to write about after all and as we enter this new year, I am hopeful that it will be a year of peace and contentment for everyone.

The Medium and the Message

During the past 10 months I have experienced a wide array of feelings. We've felt deep despair, the likes of which I wasn't sure I would ever recover from. There has been numbness, when you are not able to feel any emotion at all and I found myself faking what I think were accurate responses. Then there has been joy, yes I said joy, at the most unexpected moments, such as when my little dog jumps on my lap and licks me with such enthusiasm that I have to smile, simple pleasures. We are slowly evolving, changing from a family of 4 to a family of 3. 3 place settings at the dinner table, 3 tickets to the movies, 3 dentist appointments. It's an adjustment and sometimes it feels....lonely and too quiet. I think we are doing well, I think Alexis would be proud of us, but this adjustment takes work, it requires me to be aware of my families needs so I guess I'm still doing, IT, except the requirements are different now. Before IT was all about keeping my family whole and positive at a time when we were falling apart and facing the worst possible news. Now, IT requires attempting to keep myself and my family whole and positive in spite of all that has happened. We participated in grievance counselling where we sat around a table with 11 other bereaved parents and listened to their heartbreaking stories, a format that may work for some but did not provide us with the comfort nor the coping skills we were seeking. Instead I found myself wanting to heal everyone in the group, and being impatient when I couldn't. How we came to be in a grievance group at all, is interesting, 3 completely unrelated people all recommended it to us, all 3 recommending the same grief counsellor, when this happened I felt like we were being 'directed' to this group so we attended it. Through the group we learned of a book called 'Repairing Rainbows' I read the book, a story about death and triumph with a message we also have embraced, to 'choose happiness' this book mentioned a successful visit to a 'Medium' named Sandy. Interesting I thought. Then once again 3 unrelated people also told me about a Medium named Sandy and I discovered that this Sandy had written a book called 'My Gift of Light', which I also read. Now before you discount me let me say that I have never really considered the validity of an 'afterlife', in fact I'm pretty cynical about it 'dead is dead'. But lately there have been 'things' I am unable to explain with logic, vivid dreams, coincidences and of course the strong feelings that led me to both the Grievance Counselor and then to the Medium. I need to qualify this by saying these are not the desperate needs of a pathetically sad mother instead I feel a curiosity, and am aware that there are 'coincidences that I am unable to explain away, So I decided to contact 'Sandy'.

We had our 'reading' a few weeks ago, we went with cynicism, afraid to hope. Is this real? Could it possibly be real? I askd my husband who, as an accountant is very skeptical, to join us because if there is something to this 'you'll be sorry you missed it and if there isn't, well, its a pleasant drive to Georgetown'. It's taken me almost 2 weeks to process the reading, Sandy gave us a tape and I've listened to it 5 times with other family and friends everyone is in agreement she definitely told us things that were both accurate and impossible for her to know. Lex came through 'loud and clear'. The impression I got was that Lex is healthy, happy, and very social. She is surrounded by extended family and is with her '2 coloured dog' who passed last summer, she runs with him. She is a very bright light in this 'other realm' and eager to 'talk' to us through the Medium, her message was that she is fine now, no longer sick, or in pain and as the Medium said is grieving for us because we are grieving for her.

So, was I somehow directed to this Medium? is Lex responsible for the 'odd' things occurring in my home, or is it just wishful thinking? I'm convinced that this can't be explained away, that our societies stance on the subject of the afterlife is perhaps too black and white. It is comforting to think that our loved ones who have passed still exist on another level, it is also comforting to think that once we die we will go on and one day be with our loved ones again.
In my opinion there is no harm in hoping that this is real and I think that HOPE is the ultimate result of my quest. Why is hope so important? I know that the night Lex died my hope died with her, that's when the numbness took over. As long as we felt 'hope' we were fine, we believed, when it was gone it felt like withdrawal as if we were addicted to a drug that had been taken away. The emptiness was painful, we felt purposeless, It was as if a limb had been amputated I kept trying to use it, feel it, but it was no longer there. Now after this visit to the Medium I'm not sure what I believe, but maybe I'm looking at it from the wrong direction maybe I should be saying why not believe?

Light The Night-October 5, 2011

Welcome to my personal Light The Night fundraising page!


I am participating in the Light the Night Walk in memory of my courageous and beautiful daughter Alexis Wronzberg who passed away December 29, 2010 from Leukemia. This is our 3rd year participating in Light the Night a cause that Lex supported. Now I am walking for her and because of her. Please join me in this moving and important event, walk with me in memory of my daughter Alexis, walk with me to raise money to wipe out this horrible disease that has robbed so many.

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.

Sponsor or join our team.http://www.lightthenight.ca/


The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society of Canada’s (LLSC) Light The Night Walk is the nation’s night to pay tribute and bring hope to all those affected by blood cancer. This fall, I will be joining thousands of people walking in twilight carrying illuminated balloons…


To benefit all 90,000 people affected by blood cancers in Canada.
All those that will be diagnosed every 34 minutes,
And those, who every 72 minutes, will die.


I will be walking for them, with them, and to benefit them.


You can be part of the cure by kindly donating to my fundraising efforts.


Thank you for supporting me and the thousands of Canadians living with a blood cancer.