We are OK!

We've come such a long way since that terrible day on Dec. 29, 2010 when we lost Lex.    The 3 of us individually persue goals and participate in the world around us.  Most importantly we are not afraid to put ourselves 'out there'.  Together we have become a strong unit.  Our home is our sanctuary, a place where we are emotionally safe.

Rick's progress has been incredible, with a desire to 'give back' through volunteering both as the President of the Men's Club of our synogogue and by raising money for cancer research by setting up  'Team Lex' for  Road Hockey to Conquer Cancer.  Danielle is travelling with a friend this summer and planning for her future.  I am now adding Alexis's beautiful graphic designs to my paintings which allows me to share my artistic journey with her.   I am proud  to be able to use her legacy in such a creative and personal way.

Although we cope with our grief independently we always come together to support and love each other.  In spite of our sadness or  maybe because of it the desire to be seen in a positive way is very important,  but inside, privately we share the tender ache of our loss.  I believe we are OK,  we don't allow this sadness to control us or stop us from living or enjoying our lives.  I'm reminded of an earlier posting where I wrote WWLD 'What would Lex do',  today 2 1/2 years later I've made a small change in this phrase,  it now reads, 'What would Lex WANT us to do?'  She would want us to continue on with our lives and she would want us to be fearless to have Ko'ach (Strength), she is watching us and I know she is proud.

Sometimes I Can't Believe She's Gone

 Sometimes I still can’t believe she’s gone
but she is
A personality full of all the colours of the world
Kindness, grace
And what a face
With a smile everyone remembers
Our girl, had it going on
She was smart, she was strong
Believing all she needed
was a positive attitude
and  we believed it to
Courage and love
She now  watches from above
Her legacy
Never ever give  up
And Live
Live a full life
And smile
always smile

2 Years Later

  I try to behave as I am expected, but my grief stays with me like a sad song that you can't get out of your head.  I am unable to stop the thoughts and memories especially the ones of her last hours, maybe I don't really want to.  I get up, get dressed, go to the gym or to art class, travel, see friends, I do all these things, I smile and laugh but behind my eyes just beneath the surface are the dark, sad thoughts that keep me up at night.  We are now years past her death, not hours or days or even months but over 2 years and just like in the movies life has gone on for everyone except Lex who is frozen.   Her face in the photographs the same, a beautiful, vibrant 27 year old face, her smile never changes, the sparkle in her eyes always there.  Only we have changed, I have changed, I'm emotionally tired, as I carry this sadness with me.  I try to remember the good times, and I do remember them but the intensity of what happened to her this terrible relentless disease that stole her from us always seeps into the good memories.  I look at the photos of a cruise we took in 2000 there we are a happy family, smiling and laughing for the camera the girls in their new clothes so excited for this holiday and I smile at the memory but then I think, we didn't know that only 10 years later Lex would be gone.  Every memory follows the same path for me no matter how hard I try and then I wonder did she have an inkling?  Could she have somehow sensed that her life would be short?  I hope not, I couldn't bare the thought of her knowing.  However, it would explain her 'lust for life'  her desire to do as much as she could as fast as she could, I used to say that Alexis 'pushed the walls' always wanting to go further, than we were comfortable with and she managed to accomplish a great deal in her life. In fact whatever she set her mind to whether it be education,  or travel she achieved her goal!  She was a force of nature! 

I am resigned to the fact that I will always mourn her.  When we celebrate the things that every family celebrates she will be missing and her absence is like a shadow something that is there but not there.  I was warned that the second year after a death is worse than the first, I didn't believe it could actually get worse, but what happens is that we become softer.  The walls we have constructed to protect ourselves from grief become weakened.  For most of the 1st year after she died I attempted to show the world that I was fine and coping well.   I was able to control most of the sadness, compartmentalize my emotions so I didn't have to deal with them but now all the memories, the worries, the anger, and helplessness are finding cracks in my wall and so in this second year of grieving I am struggling more as memories and thoughts seep into my consciousness and fall out my eyes.

An Incredible Gift

Today we had a visit from Lex's friend Shayna her husband and their beautiful daughter. They were  visiting family for Chanukah and made sure to make time for us. I really enjoyed seeing them and am very pleased that they are staying in touch with us, once again I am reminded of what wonderful friends Lex had. Seeing this beautiful family would have been enough but they also brought us an incredible gift. Shayna told me of a visit she made to a psychic medium and she shared a powerful message with me. Before my visit  to a medium last summer I asked Lex to give me a sign to validate that this was real,  I asked that 1 of 3 things be mentioned, the painted stones that we placed on her monument, Turtles or acknowledgement that I am using her beautiful doodles in my paintings. None of these came up in our first reading, however, in the second reading the medium said 'your daughter is holding a Turtle, does that mean anything to you?'  Then recently when I received Alexis's hug that medium also told me that Lex liked the coloured stones on her monument and now, today..... today, Shayna said that in her visit with the medium she was told  that someone very close to Lex is using her 'doodles' in their paintings.  Each one of my requests has now been addressed, 100% validation.  I am convinced without a doubt that this is real,  interesting that each validation came from a different medium also interesting that none were duplicated, each medium relayed a different message. Alexis has worked very hard to let us know that she is near us and ok, she always worried  how we would be without her, I hope she sees how hard we are trying. I miss her very much but am comforted that although she is out of reach she is still very much around, maybe closer than we think. Each day I put a smile on my face and go about my business and when someone asks 'how many children do you have'? I always answer 2 but, one has passed, I cannot and will not deny her existance. This last message through Shayna's medium sealed the deal for me, Lex still exists somewhere, she once lived in this world and now inhabits another but is still an extremely important member of our family who influences our choices on a daily basis. This doesn't get easier, we just get better at handling it and as we approach the 2nd anniversary of her passing I hope she is as proud of us as we are of her.

A Message from Alexis

Its taken me a couple of weeks to process this, I've documented many unusual occurances in this blog, dreams, visits to mediums but this was something very special. A couple of weeks ago the sadness that I always feel but am able to live with became overwhelming. On my mind was the worry that I hadn't hugged Alexis enough, I was so concerned with her care while she was ill, did she eat, sleep, was she too warm, too cold, was she depressed, was their anything else I could do to help her? Now I find myself worrying, did I hug her enough? I just don't remember. This has been weighing on me heavily and it makes me feel very sad, was my caring for her too focused on her physical health? Two weeks ago I had a particularly bad weekend, my head ached and my chest felt like it was being squeezed, I was taking advils but they barely helped. Suddenly a friend called me with a very strange request, she asked if I could phone her friend, a psychic medium because this medium had been receiving messages from Alexis and Alexis wouldn't leave her until she had delivered these messages to me. Of course, I was sceptical but I did call her. The medium told me she sensed termendous love from Lex and then she said that Alexis was hugging me and had been hugging me all weekend long. Now I understand what I had been feeling, it was Lex hugging me, trying to reassure me. The minute that I received Lex's message the squeezing feeling in my chest and the headache subsided and I felt lighter and happier. Alexis made me feel better and by hugging me she was telling me to stop worrying and I realize what I needed to remember, that I showed my love for Lex in many, many ways maybe, I hugged her enough after all. Thank you Lex, I love you and I loved your message.

Just Another Ordinary Day

We are approaching Alexis's 29th birthday, her 2nd birthday without us. Once again we have asked our friends and close family to be with us on this day. 22 friends, aunts, uncles and cousins will meet us at a restaurant favoured by Lex, I never want to be alone on her birthday. I still count the days and months without her, 1 1/2 years now, her bedroom sits with most of her stuff untouched. We have only now begun the process of giving away certain items, a headboard an end table, the bed but the room still has her personality, eventually I will clear it out...I suppose, I really feel no urgency to do so. This summer has been a good one, peaceful and without stress and I am very grateful for this. I spend a lot of time with Dani and its good. The simplicity of our lives is in direct contrast to what was before and it is bittersweet for me. Sitting in my garden reading a book or going out with friends are simple pleasures that I appreciate, but even though we are living 'normally' I greatly and perhaps selfishly miss you Lex. It does seem that a lot of the decisions we make are with Alexis in mind, to go on a special trip as we did in June, to visit a Medium, yes, I said Medium, which we did this week, to get a new tattoo yes, I said tattoo which her sister wants, to go to Mount Tremblant. Even though she is no longer with us what we do seems to be dictated by her. This week we went back to the medium for a second reading, I have to say that if I had any doubts before about an afterlife they were obliterated by this visit. Sandy the medium told us how excited Lex was about her dear friends pregnancy, she told us the sex of the baby, knew her due date and mentioned her 4 year old son. Then she talked about our recent trip to the UK, she said that there were not 3 of us on that trip but 4. She mentioned Lex's birthday, talked about our black and white dog who had passed and was now with Lex, brought up our tan coloured dog saying that Lex plays with her and finally asked us if we had a pet Turtle.......no, but we do have a dog named TURTLE!!! That reading was an hour long and full of imformation that soothed us, startled us and made us cry. After the reading we visited Lex at the cemetary and then in the late afternoon Dani and I went downtown to a Tattoo parlor for a consult. Just another ordinary day in my household. If you had told me 2 years ago that I would spend a day like this I probably would have laughed, incredulous but, here I am not even phased by it. How my life has changed in both subtle and obvious ways amazes me and its all because of Lex, here or not, her influence over us is both profound and wondrous.

I recently attended a fundraiser for a 22 year old girl named Courtney. She was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma 2 1/2 years ago. Her doctors were fairly optimistic upon diagnosis stating that there was a 95% cure rate for this cancer, unfortunately Courtney fell into the 5% that don't respond to the drug protocol. So 2 1/2 years later after exhausting all that Canada has to offer medically her doctors told her "sorry, we've done all we can for you." Not the words a vibrant, beautiful 22 year old and her family want to hear. What do those words actually mean? They mean, that all we can offer you now is pallative care, a death sentence, no hope, only the horrible reality that you will have to watch your child die, and the additional knowledge that they know they are dying, is there anything worse? This is what we also faced but, after exploring other avenues we discovered that there are legitimate trials and alternative treatments available worldwide. Deciding to go to Israel was easy, it gave us a purpose, it also gave us back our hope because we all believed that Lex would be cured. The only thing in the way of receiving treatment was money, Lex's 'cure' had a hefty price tag attached to it, $300,000. We appealed to our community and city at large and 1 week later through the generosity of many, we arrived in Israel. It still stuns me how quickly we raised that money. How many people wanted to help us, how many people cared. This wonderful community that I am priviledged to live in was there for us in our time of need. Courtney's treatment will cost $600,000, twice as much as Lex, a daunting amount of money, a number that panicked her parents when they realized that it was her only chance for survival. But because of the support and concern of many, many people, most of them strangers Courtney is well on her way to achieving her goal, and god willing a cure. People helping people! My eyes are now open and I will always try to participate, donate and help each time this type of situation arises. I am grateful and humbled by the thousands of people who unselfishly tried to help us and are now helping Courtney, as difficult as it is to be on the receiving end it is also so inspiring to know that 'we' have the ability to create a ground swell of support for someone in need and that's a beautiful thing. To donate to Courtney: courtney.render@mail.mcgill.ca security question: Courtneys favorite colour answer: Purple Or phone Scotiabank 416 590 7488 RBC 1 800 769 2555 CIBC 1888 872 2422 Thank you for your support