Heaven?

I've been thinking about heaven lately. I want to imagine that such a place really exists. That when we die we don't just go back to the earth,'dust to dust'. Is there an after life? I'm very cynical regarding this theory. I have said for a long time,'dead is dead'. When we die there is simply, 'nothing'. It would be nice to know that Lex was somewhere wonderful, that she is happy, not in pain and no longer afraid, it definitely would help me to know she still existed on some metaphysical level. Then, I wouldn't have to think about the completeness of her death, the finality of it. Alexis and I were as close as a mother and daughter could be, we spent a lot of time together especially the last year, part of me hoped that this closeness would afford me the ability to sense her, but, I don't feel her I don't even dream about her. Sometimes I stand in the middle of her room with my eyes closed trying to feel her and all I get is... nothing. I was told by a friend that after someone dies it takes a few months for them to acclimate to their new surroundings and once they have, you will dream about them. I don't know about this, what do you think? I also wonder about all those who have passed before, so many great minds, scientists and artists, I think about the waste that their deaths are. Where do all their thoughts and ideas go after they have died?
I have developed my own theory, if heaven really does exist then, I think it must be an amazing place, so beautiful, so incredible that if we knew of it we would all try to get in. No one would bother to get cured from illnesses because dieing would lead to the most wonderful after-life, no one would want to stay alive. Could this be the reason why it's so hard for our loved ones to contact us after they've died, because they might accidentally give us too much information about heaven? Is it also why if they do manage to reach us their messages are so cryptic?
I like this idea, it ties everything up in a nice little bow, answers all my questions and allows me to fantasize about Lex going on, unfortunalty, that's all I can do, pretend and hope that an afterlife really does exist then it would be all worth it.

Getting Through Another Week

I got through another week. I've been out for lunch, coffee or dinner each day. This is both good and bad! Good because I am being kept busy by an army of loving friends who understand my need to be distracted. Bad, because I have put on 5lbs in the last month. I'm trying to exercise but am really not motivated, even an upcoming cruise isn't enough of an incentive for me, so, I bought a new bathing suit in a larger size and have lots of baggy tee shirts to hide in. I'm all about comfort, loose, soft and forgiving clothes are what I'm packing. This trip isn't about glamour it's about peace, Rick and I are hoping to relax, and regroup. We both desperately need this vacation, to feel the warm sun on our faces, to be fed, entertained and not have to think about anything for an entire week.
I realize that eventually I must go on. After so many years of working my life around Lex's, I suddenly find myself free to make changes. Going back to the old routine is painful for me, every choice we made was made with Lex in mind, where I worked, the kind of vacations we took, how we lived and even, where we live. Now sadly, I am free to broaden my horizons. But while all this is true I am also stuck, moving on takes energy and desire, of which I have neither. The old routine while painfully full of reminders is also safe and sure. So, I'll heed the advice given by many of you, 'Lyat Lyat', slowly slowly and hopefully, in time will be ready to explore the options that life presents. For now, I won't think to far ahead, even packing for our vacation feels overwhelming and, it occurs to me that I'm not ready to make any life changing decisions yet. I'll take baby steps, exercise a little, paint a little, and try be open to whatever comes my way. Waiting for the day when I'll be ready to move forward and embrace what life has to offer.

Healing

We have continued to attend Shul on the weekends, we like it, it's comforting and we've made friends there. The 1st Saturday we were at Shul I was invited to go for 'coffee' midway through the service. Frances, Brenda and I went down a hallway through some doors to a little table that had a coffee urn and some honey cakes on it, we stood around talking and sipping our coffee for about 1/2 an hour, a thoroughly enjoyable break, I now do this every Saturday. I feel as if I've joined a secret club. Today Rick and I went for lunch after Shul there were 9 of us. Brenda mentioned that they all met saying Kaddish for a loved one and have just carried on, becoming friends, I like this too!

The next step in our 'healing' is to buy a puppy, we need to breathe some fresh air into our home. We already have a dog, Dodger, whom Lex adored, but at 17 years old he is blind, deaf and has a bad heart, we know he's living on borrowed time. Alexis's biggest fear was that Dodger would not be alive when she returned home, we never thought it would be the other way around. So, we are buying a puppy and already have a name picked out, Turtle, pronounced Tuuurtle. Why Tuuurtle? Because that was Lex's nickname for the past year. Her boyfriend started calling her Tzav which is Turtle in Hebrew and strangely, her doctor in Israel started calling her Tuuurtle with his thick Israeli accent almost immediately, we never new why. All I know is that whenever I call 'Tuuurtle come' it will make me smile, it will make all of us smile.

The First Time Without Her

Today began with a trip to the cemetery, the first time I've gone since the funeral. The snow was pure white and deep, we carefully placed two stones on her grave stood there for a few minutes, staring and then, left. Later we went to the wedding of Lex's 1st cousin, we only went to the ceremony I didn't have the heart to go to the party, my niece made a beautiful bride the setting was lovely everyone so happy. Lex would have loved that wedding, dressing up, dancing, open bar, dessert table, seeing her cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents, she loved simchas. We would have been in the pictures, joined in the horas and had a wonderful time. Am I bitter, yes, what happened to my family is wrong, it's unfair, instead of making a funeral I should have been planning a wedding or at least watching my daughter planning her own future. But, it wasn't to be, and now I'm left to pick up the pieces of our lives and try to go on without her. We all feel it, Dani's quiet sadness, Rick, a father's heartbreak, and me, the emptiness swirls around inside me so profound I don't have words to describe it. And so we watched the wedding and tried not to feel anything and mostly tried not to cry, instead we smiled and chatted and put on brave faces, we were gracious when people gave us their condolences and we wished everyone Mazel Tov, then, after the ceremony was over we quietly left, taking our sadness with us, while the rest of our family rejoiced at the marriage of a beautiful young couple with a bright future we mourned the end of a young life that held so much promise.