Learning to Dance in the Rain

I find myself wondering what would Alexis think about what’s happening in the world right now.  Would she be scared? worried? Or would she tough it out and be strong.  One of her favourite quotes was “life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain!”   Knowing who Alexis was I am confident that she would have been brave and patiently waited for this storm to pass!
Covid 19 or the Coronavirus is bigger than all of us, what is happening on our planet is unprecedented and difficult to believe and yet here we are, fighting for humanity, fighting for our health, fighting to keep our way of life.  All other problems have faded away, the news is only reporting about this pandemic  out of 195 countries in the world 149 so far are battling it.    We are united in a common cause, to defeat this virus, ironically this is the first time in history that the entire world has ever been united in anything.  This transcends politics, religions, race, economics and anything else that divides us.  We are all at war with the same enemy an enemy that does not discriminate.   We are all praying for the same outcome, that a cure will be found and we can go back to living our lives.  But no one knows how long this will last, who will get ill, who will succumb and who will survive, when we wake up from this nightmare the world may look very different.  Alexis was a very wise girl, during her battle with Cancer she learned that “you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have”. We have no choice we must be strong, we must protect ourselves, our families, our friends, our colleagues, our neighbours.  We must protect our senior citizens, the immune suppressed, the vulnerable the weak and above all else we must keep our humanity no matter how bad this outbreak gets.

Being Grateful

On Dec 29 Alexis will have been gone for 9 years.  9 years, it’s such a long time to not have her sharing in our lives and living her own.  Yes I do try to imagine who she would be now, what she would be doing where she would be living, I ignore all the medical challenges she would have faced and create a fantasy world where she is healthy, successful, beautiful and always smiling.  Last night we celebrated Chanukah with my family,  we had my daughter and son in law, my grandson, a newly engaged couple , babies, cousins, aunts, uncles, a great grandmother, grandparents, a loud, boisterous loving family, only 2 were missing my dad who passed this year after a full,  good, long life and Lex who was only at the threshold of hers.  I miss her, I miss her voice, her laugh, her wisdom, her everything, she  should have been here last night sharing in the exuberance,  laughing, eating, living, loving and being loved. The only regret I have in my life is that she lost hers, if I could turn back the clock to 2004 she would never have gotten sick, but wishes are only wishes and really just fruitless.    I am grateful for what I have, the closeness of my family and friends, I am grateful for the time I had with Lex even though it will never be enough. I am grateful for this new chapter in my life as a grandmother, I am grateful that I get up each morning anticipating a new day.  I know Alexis would want us to choose happiness and I do, most of the time, but then there are days when I don’t.....

Road hockey #9

This year has been a roller coaster, with soaring highs and plunging lows. The highest peaks were reached when I became a grandmother and it’s the best feeling in the world this little boy holds my heart in his hands, when he sees me he lights up and I am his. The lows were the passing of my dad last May, he was 94 we were witness to his steady decline from colon cancer, going from robust to frail in a matter of months and then never waking up one day. Life is full of so many small and petty moments that I think it becomes to easy to focus on the negative. Senseless rifts in families take energy away from what’s important. Forget the people in your world who are toxic to you, they’re agendas are not yours focus instead on what makes you feel fulfilled, gives you joy. Life is short and Cancer makes it shorter trust me I know. Donate to Team Lex-Road Hockey to Conquer Cancer and give someone the gift of time. https://rhcc1.akaraisin.com/RoadHockey19/lex2019

What I Learned.....

What I learned during Alexis’s illness was that I am strong. That I am capable of mentally lifting a car if I need to. I discovered that I was able to talk to her doctors in a way that made them ask if I was a medical professional, when I was just a mom trying to understand. I learned that I could spend countless hours reading anything and everything I could get my hands on about ALL so that when the doctors recommended a course of action I would almost understand how it would help her and what the side affects would be. I learned how strong Alexis was, coping with hours of Chemotherapy and the side effects and never once complaining. I discovered that I could be strong for Alexis so she could feel safe. I learned that I could function on very little sleep, the result of ’sleeping’ in a chair countless nights in the hospital so Alexis wouldn’t be alone. I found out that I could competently travel with Alexis to Israel chasing a medical miracle without speaking the language, understanding the money or knowing the geography and still find an apartment, shop for groceries and deal with both our needs. I learned I could survive her death. I learned I could pick up the shattered pieces of my life and move forward. I learned I could find joy, and be happy again. I learned that although time does not ease the searing pain of sadness it does act as a balm to soften the edges.

ALEXIS’ GIFT

Seven years, 84 months, 2555 days no matter how you add it up a lot of time has passed since Lex died. But no matter how much time the grieving feels the same as the day she died, Dec. 29, 2010. Lex hasn’t changed a bit, still 27, still beautiful, still strong. I however, have done a complete 180, I have reinvented myself as a strong, resilient woman. If you didn’t know my history, if I didn’t tell you my story you would never know the emptiness I feel when I think about her, the debilitating, crushing sadness that sits on my shoulders pushing me down. I may never have become the person I am today if I hadn’t made a promise to Lex in those final moments of her life. I told her, ‘I promise you, I will live my life well’ this promise became Alexis’s gift to me, because it gave me a purpose and direction it encouraged me to value my life and try to live with resolve something Lex never had a chance to do. My metamorphosis has been slow and sometimes painful, Alexis’ journey was cut short, mine still goes on and so by putting one foot in front of the other Lex’s gift has helped me to survive her death. Without her gift I may never have been motivated to get out of bed. Her gift has helped me to appreciate the beauty of my life and to share in her ’Joyeux de vivre’. I miss her every second of every hour of every day and my heart aches with the sadness of my loss but I feel comfort in knowing that a simple promise I made to Lex became a gift that encourages all of us to ‘live our lives well’.

28-Strengh (Koach)

Strength in an interesting thing, it’s subjective like quick silver, I really never saw myself as strong, it was all a show for Lex, if she saw me as strong, unwavering in my belief that she would be ok then she would also be strong and I needed her to be strong. Strength is also hope and faith and they are interchangeable, as long as I had hope and faith I could be strong as long as I was strong I felt hopeful, this attitude left no room for doubt and provided a bonus trickle down affect to her dad, sister and the rest of our family who mirrored my behaviour when with Lex. Unfortunately we all lost our battle in the end, losing Alexis was a blow that no amount of Koach can help you recover from. After she died I still saw 28’s everywhere but instead of hope I felt dread because I believed that 28 was a warning, you better be strong because something bad is about to happen. Today, 7 years later I am still seeing 28’s but now I think that Lex is sending them to me, she believed until her last breath that they were positives, as long as she kept seeing them she would be ok. As we approach the 7th anniversary of her death I am grateful for the memories I have of her, especially those last weeks in Israel. However, when triggered the sadness I feel is still staggering but I am glad for this because I never want to be comfortable and accepting of her unfair, heartbreaking death.

The Heartbreaking Reality of Cancer

Everything within our power must be done to eradicate this devastating disease. My beautiful, talented, brilliant daughter travelled from diagnosis to death along the halls of fear, despair and hope for 6.5 years. Cancer, is a devastating disease because of what it robs you of. It isn't just physical, it's also mental and emotional, as I can attest after witnessing my daughter's world get smaller and smaller. It broke my heart to watch her adjusting her dreams to fit into the parameters of ALL (acute lymphoblastic leukaemia). Nausea, fevers, endless trips to emergency, were just a few of the symptoms. Alexis was a team player, willing to do whatever it took to get well again, so, when she lost her hair, she bravely smiled and said, 'it would grow back' when she was nauseas she patiently waited for the nausea to pass, when she ached in every joint in her body from the steroids she accepted it because steroids made the chemo work better. When she had high fevers that brought her to the hospital's emergency department she patiently waited until they passed and she could go home. When she relapsed she willingly submitted to a stem cell transplant with all the pain that accompanies one. As she experienced the relentless progression of Cancer I watched her world get smaller, finishing school, travelling, having children were all being taken from her and with each loss she adjusted her attitude and tried to find a new dream, something that would fit into a compromised life. Cancer is vicious not just for the obvious physical ordeal that must be endured but also for the unbearable sadness that comes with the realization that the life you thought was yours, the life that everyone around you enjoyed was never going to happen. When Alexis died we were heartsick, but as I watched my daughters 'joyeux de vive' slowly fade into her last breath, I felt a profound, agonizing loss for all she should have been. To donate copy and paste this link: https://rhcc1.akaraisin.com/RHCC2017/lexrick