Just Not Here

•  We finally managed a family get together,  Covid has kept us apart for far too long.  On this sunny warm Sunday we gathered under my big red umbrella on my deck for supper.  I realized Lex, that you were with us.  You were everywhere, you were in both our grandchildren’s names, you were in the name that as a 2 year old you created for your grandmother,  Bobby Rose.  You were in all the Turtle figurines placed around my garden, you were in my dog Turtle’s name,  you were in our hearts, you were everywhere…you just weren’t here.

Gone 10 Years

It’s hard to believe that we lost Lex 10 years ago December 29, 2010.  It still startles me when I think about her, that she’s really gone.  They say loss gets easier with time but, it doesn’t, the memories are still strong and I have moments when thoughts of her death hit me so hard I can’t breathe and I am pulled back to the day she died like it was yesterday.  I no longer try to imagine who she would have been or how she would be living her life, it’s pointless to do so and it hurts too much.  Now I just think about her essence, her presence and her absence.  

This year because of Covid we are unable to hold our annual dinner honouring Alexis where we are surrounded by family and friends and I will miss everyone.  This year will be simple and quiet, a day spent, reflecting on, remembering and missing my beautiful daughter.  

What the Covid Virus is Stealing from us

Here we are in mid July 2020 and Covid 19 is still the top story on the news. For over 4 months we have been doing all we can to avoid catching this virus.   Does anyone else feel sad these days?  When I see most of us donning masks that hide half our faces when I nervously side step people on the sidewalk, when I cautiously socialize with friends and family I feel a great sadness for the lifestyle we seem to be losing.   This virus has the potential to steal what we hold most dear,   acts that help define our humanity, a handshake, a hug, a kiss seemingly simple gestures but they are so important because we use these gestures to convey, trustworthiness and warmth, it’s often how we show we care.  The longer this virus goes on, a side effect of the fear of contracting  it will be the loss of the emotional connection we gain from social contact.  I must tell you this both saddens and worries  me, how will our children manage in such a cold world?  Always being apart, never touching, being fearful of physical contact.  I hope I’m wrong and a vaccine brings us back to who we are supposed to be, but I’m worried and Lex would have hated this.

Learning to Dance in the Rain

I find myself wondering what would Alexis think about what’s happening in the world right now.  Would she be scared? worried? Or would she tough it out and be strong.  One of her favourite quotes was “life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain!”   Knowing who Alexis was I am confident that she would have been brave and patiently waited for this storm to pass!
Covid 19 or the Coronavirus is bigger than all of us, what is happening on our planet is unprecedented and difficult to believe and yet here we are, fighting for humanity, fighting for our health, fighting to keep our way of life.  All other problems have faded away, the news is only reporting about this pandemic  out of 195 countries in the world 149 so far are battling it.    We are united in a common cause, to defeat this virus, ironically this is the first time in history that the entire world has ever been united in anything.  This transcends politics, religions, race, economics and anything else that divides us.  We are all at war with the same enemy an enemy that does not discriminate.   We are all praying for the same outcome, that a cure will be found and we can go back to living our lives.  But no one knows how long this will last, who will get ill, who will succumb and who will survive, when we wake up from this nightmare the world may look very different.  Alexis was a very wise girl, during her battle with Cancer she learned that “you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have”. We have no choice we must be strong, we must protect ourselves, our families, our friends, our colleagues, our neighbours.  We must protect our senior citizens, the immune suppressed, the vulnerable the weak and above all else we must keep our humanity no matter how bad this outbreak gets.

Being Grateful

On Dec 29 Alexis will have been gone for 9 years.  9 years, it’s such a long time to not have her sharing in our lives and living her own.  Yes I do try to imagine who she would be now, what she would be doing where she would be living, I ignore all the medical challenges she would have faced and create a fantasy world where she is healthy, successful, beautiful and always smiling.  Last night we celebrated Chanukah with my family,  we had my daughter and son in law, my grandson, a newly engaged couple , babies, cousins, aunts, uncles, a great grandmother, grandparents, a loud, boisterous loving family, only 2 were missing my dad who passed this year after a full,  good, long life and Lex who was only at the threshold of hers.  I miss her, I miss her voice, her laugh, her wisdom, her everything, she  should have been here last night sharing in the exuberance,  laughing, eating, living, loving and being loved. The only regret I have in my life is that she lost hers, if I could turn back the clock to 2004 she would never have gotten sick, but wishes are only wishes and really just fruitless.    I am grateful for what I have, the closeness of my family and friends, I am grateful for the time I had with Lex even though it will never be enough. I am grateful for this new chapter in my life as a grandmother, I am grateful that I get up each morning anticipating a new day.  I know Alexis would want us to choose happiness and I do, most of the time, but then there are days when I don’t.....

Road hockey #9

This year has been a roller coaster, with soaring highs and plunging lows. The highest peaks were reached when I became a grandmother and it’s the best feeling in the world this little boy holds my heart in his hands, when he sees me he lights up and I am his. The lows were the passing of my dad last May, he was 94 we were witness to his steady decline from colon cancer, going from robust to frail in a matter of months and then never waking up one day. Life is full of so many small and petty moments that I think it becomes to easy to focus on the negative. Senseless rifts in families take energy away from what’s important. Forget the people in your world who are toxic to you, they’re agendas are not yours focus instead on what makes you feel fulfilled, gives you joy. Life is short and Cancer makes it shorter trust me I know. Donate to Team Lex-Road Hockey to Conquer Cancer and give someone the gift of time. https://rhcc1.akaraisin.com/RoadHockey19/lex2019

What I Learned.....

What I learned during Alexis’s illness was that I am strong. That I am capable of mentally lifting a car if I need to. I discovered that I was able to talk to her doctors in a way that made them ask if I was a medical professional, when I was just a mom trying to understand. I learned that I could spend countless hours reading anything and everything I could get my hands on about ALL so that when the doctors recommended a course of action I would almost understand how it would help her and what the side affects would be. I learned how strong Alexis was, coping with hours of Chemotherapy and the side effects and never once complaining. I discovered that I could be strong for Alexis so she could feel safe. I learned that I could function on very little sleep, the result of ’sleeping’ in a chair countless nights in the hospital so Alexis wouldn’t be alone. I found out that I could competently travel with Alexis to Israel chasing a medical miracle without speaking the language, understanding the money or knowing the geography and still find an apartment, shop for groceries and deal with both our needs. I learned I could survive her death. I learned I could pick up the shattered pieces of my life and move forward. I learned I could find joy, and be happy again. I learned that although time does not ease the searing pain of sadness it does act as a balm to soften the edges.